Randomness

breathe

2012-01-17T07:14:00.000-08:00

this is the hardest. no, not the down in the dumps, world is crashing around me feeling. that emotion actually keep me moving and reminds me i'm living. its that feeling of silence all around, that feeling of, i know You're there but i can't feel you or hear you. i sometimes think it's some cosmic game of hard-to-get. how long will i wait? how hard will I seek? or maybe, just maybe, how long until i just sit?

maybe the silence serves no other purpose than to teach me to breathe in...breathe out...breathe in...breathe out. and that is in those breaths that a touch of the divine reminds me of the Breath that gives me life. maybe the silence is a reminder emotion is a trickster, and to live with a quiet heart and mind is a gift and a blessing. maybe the silence is a reminder that God's presence and moving has nothing to do with how hard i work or how happy i am or how hurt i am. God's presence is because God is God.

the silence teaches me that.

2011-12-11T16:45:00.001-08:00

So, I said I was going to post on this book by Stanley...so I'm finally going to type what I wrote in my journal about chapter 1.

Ch1: 'Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing.'

Look, Stanley's a beast. I think I've read this chapter 6 times now and I'm still not fully sure I get it. and that might be the point. So, here's what I'm thinking now:

- Our tendency to think of life as revolving around us has led to some amazingly awful things and gross mis-understandings.

- the instinct of self-preservation...physically and emotionally can be very powerful.

A few quotes from the book that stuck out to me:

- "...as soon as we begin to think this is all about us, about our need for forgiveness, bathos drapes the cross, hiding from us the reality that here we first and foremost see God." (pg. 28)

- "Ironically, by trying to understand what it means for us to need forgiveness, to often our attention becomes focused on something called the 'human condition' rather than the cross and the God who hangs there." (pg.28)

- "We are made members of a kingdom governed by a politics of forgiveness and redemption." (pg.31)

Some final thoughts and questions...feel free to answer...

- Have we made forgiveness so trite that we fail to realize the enormity of these words?

- To follow Jesus...to declare Him King, means my life isn't for me or even about me...but about continually declaring His kingdom and the invitation to be a part of it.

Cross-Shattered Christ

2011-11-17T20:50:00.001-08:00

So im reading the Cross-Shattered Christ: meditations on the seven last words by Stanley Hauerwas and im finding myself wishing for more time to process and reflect. I think I might go back and start over and write a short reflection after each short chapter. Its great.

Any of you read it? Can I count on any of you to interact with my reflections?

2011-11-12T06:38:00.001-08:00

so we headed out to Costco. it was pouring here, the temperature had dropped and it felt like we were deep into our Portland fall. cold and rainy. everyone was in a good mood, the boys sang almost the whole way there...well, Dom sang. Eli had dropped his toy and i was able to reach back and grab it. Mandy asked Eli if I was his hero and Eli said yes. Soon Dom said, 'He's my hero too!!' Then he broke out into song, 'Heroes, heroes, heroes, they are brave. Heroes, heroes, heroes, they are brave. Heroes, heroes, heroes, they are brave. Heroes, heroes, heroes, they are brave.' After about 5 minutes of that, Eli asked Dom if the song was over. Dom's response...'Heroes, heroes, heroes, they are brave. Heroes, heroes, heroes, they are brave....'

i love my kids. they are getting so big, becoming sponges too...Dom is constantly asking about the meaning of words and phrases. its wonderful.

so, back to Costco. i'm driving around the parking lot (not fun at 5:30 on a Friday night) and i'm lucky enough to find someone about to pull out from the second spot to the front. with 2 toddlers and one infant...its nice to be able to get out of the rain and have less puddles to drag the boys away from. so i stop, put my clicker on and wait for the person to pull out.

and thats when it happens, some 50 something dude stops watches the person pull out, sees me there, and zips his lil beat up station wagon right into the spot. as the boys would say, this is when mean Daddy came out.

"ARE YOU SERIOUS?!" I pull up behind his car, stop mine...roll down Mandy's window (to her horror) and I wait. the dude just sits in the car, probably terrified...i think; at least part of me hoped so.

Mandy looks at me and says, 'Set a good example right now.' I don't budge. 'What are you going to say to him?' she asks.

"I'm going to tell him what a jerk he is!" I declare.

"Haha...you're going to tewll him what a jewrk he is." Eli cackles.

i hang my head and pull off...still steaming a bit...but also in shame.

what a monumental task we have as parents. the fact that these two are watching my every move is a bit scary. what'd Uncle Ben say to Spiderman, 'With great power comes great responsibility'. yeah, not one of my finer moments as a dad.

Raising Mia

2011-10-14T08:19:00.001-07:00

Im laying in my bed, this sweet 6lb angel sound asleep on my stomach and I realize...when it comes to raising girls...im clueless. All my time working with youth and I constantly found myself surrounded with women who could take care of the girls, so i didnt have to. And now, now ive got one who will call me Daddy.

Oh crap

I know, ive already got kids, and there is crossover between the genders...but the challenges she'll face are so different. Im glad Mandy is here to take on most of the things she'll face...but, there are things ill have to show her, do for her.

Mia, here's the things I wish to teach you...

- your worth is not defined by a dude...not even this big ugly one.
- you can take on the world
- you are not an object, you are marked by the Imago Dei...and if you arent treated as such...daddy will break them ;)
- you can change a tire, use a chainsaw, throw a football
- you dont have to
- the way you love others is what matters
- 'anything they can do you can do...maybe even better
- barbie, the Bratz...they arent real
- you are not 'just a girl'
- mtv, bet, cosmo...they dont define your worth, Christ has already done that
- I love you

Bedtime prayer

2011-09-17T07:02:00.001-07:00

Now I lay me down to sleep
My anxious heart doesnt miss a beat
In you oh Lord I place my trust
Yet my mind wants to make a fuss
With a baby coming, new ministries running
And my motor perpetually humming
I know no matter what lies ahead
I cannot keep these worries fed
Rather ill say with hope and faith
I trust in Jesus and His eternal grace

A better pacifist....

2011-08-19T10:03:00.001-07:00

Just read an article, a speech really, given as a commencement address at Goshen College in 1992. I'm challenged by the speaker/author's description of pacifism in the speech. He, rightly I think, removes pacifism from being pigeon-holed to a discussion on physical violence/war and makes it broader. His description encompasses that, but includes a lifestyle, an ethic built around reconciliation and forgiveness. This too, is what it means to be a pacifist...how we relate to others on a practical, daily level.

- Do we do violence to someone with how we describe them to others?
- Do we do violence to someone when we hold grudges or withhold forgiveness out of anger?
- Do we do violence to someone with how we treat them?

While this might seem common sense to some, I find myself examining my life and finding examples of great violence on how I've acted and behaved. A lifestyle of reconciliation has not matched what I have inked on my back.

Ther great challenge of the speech is that it not only spurs on reflection...but almost necessitates some kind of action, confession. This is where the perverbial rubber meets the road. Its easy to be a pacifist when my description includes only a refusal to kill/maim another...i dont have many opportunities to even do that. Its a different situation all together when it involves the way in which I live my discipleship out within the diversity of relationships I have been placed in.

I've got some great brothers and sisters who are probably better, fuller pacifists than I. I would love to hear your reflections.

power of shared story

2011-08-14T09:12:00.001-07:00

Mandy's been away this weekend. It's her yearly women's weekend away with her closest friends from college. Anytime she's with Krystal, Jolleen, Giordi, Sarah, and Stephanie; it is as if they've never left college. Their relationships are as strong as ever. Mandy always comes back and talks about the different things these women are doing in their lives, and the excitement is written all over her face.

Anytime I talk with friends from college or seminary we always seem to be able to pick right up where we left off. If we weren't a bit older, we'd probably do some of the same things we did in college that we couldn't get away with doing now...Chinese food at 2 am, different pranks, scavenger hunts throughout the city, wiffle ball at midnight. Even though our life dynamics have completely changed (children, different communities, different cities)...there is something about when we are together that immediately returns our relationships to the moments we had experienced together and we've never left...

Throughout this first summer of the B. Moore Project, we've worked hard to create the beginnings of what we've all experienced with those kinds of friends. That level of trust, comfortability...the shared stories. The power of shared stories, shared experiences is something that cannot be measured or evaluated. Even as we think of ways to evaluate what we do in BMP its hard to explain how trust has been built. In reality, that's something that is built/earned...not just through trust-building exercises, but through shared stories. We've spent the summer doing things together, movies, bowling, dinner (Seven River's BBQ being our favorite), camping, and just talking. What we have been focusing on in this Trust-Building Stage is the creation of shared stories. As we seek to mentor these young men and strengthen the relationships that will strengthen each other and thus strengthen our community...we need to create opportunities for shared story. These things bind us together, these are things we have experienced together and that can never change, it is now forever a part of our stories, not just as individuals, but as a group.

Even as we continue to encourage the young men to move into manhood, these moments can never cease. School is coming quickly, the life dynamics we are experiencing are going to change in expected and unexpected ways. We can't stop sharing meals (this has its own power), we cannot stop sharing laughter, sharing life. Those shared stories make it possible for us to pick back up where we left off, no matter whether it has been a week, a month, or a year.

identity

2011-08-04T19:21:00.000-07:00

the enemy is tricky. the way he is able to hold people captive is awful. my heart hurts when i see people bound by things outside of them, as well as inside of them. yesterday when Mandy was at the hospital, I took the boys to a near by park to kill time until we were able to join her for a tour of the maternity ward. it was a nice little park, swing sets, see-saws, climbing structures, slides...plus there was a basketball hoop, a pavilion and tons of open space. i even ran into a friend down there.

in the 45 minutes we were there, i definitely witnessed two drug deals, and may have witnessed a few more. you could see it coming...the buyer acting shifty, scratching their arms; clearly looking for a fix. the dealer waiting, almost playing with the addict, the captive one. they would then begin haggling over something until the price the dealer is seeking gets met. the addict walks away with their fix, knowing they are about to get a moment of freedom for the itch...only to have it return later. and the dealer leaves, feeling a bit victorious and attempting to absolve himself of feeding someone else's addiction...

as i sat there with my two sons everything in me wanted to run over there and tell the addict...you don't have to, you don't need this, you can fight it, we get find a way to help you fight it!

it brought me back to something i've been sitting on for about a week. its a touchy thing really, it affects so many of us. please add your thoughts, comments, critiques.

there are so many people like this addict who have become bound, who have become victims of

something outside of them. be it a drug, alcohol, violence done to them; physical and emotional. yes, some start themselves on their path of becoming a victim...but most are victimized...

i've met many people in my life who are victims of the people around them. they've been abandoned, beaten, raped, hated, slandered, lied to, set-up, drugged...the list could continue. my heart hurts at the thought of the people who's faces enter my mind just as i type each word. we have all been victims of the evil in this world in some way or another...be it relational or systemic.

the worst part of it all for me is when i watch people stay victims. they re-live their victimization, they stay there...they identify themselves as victims and with their victimization. they can't imagine their lives without that, and thus they make it their all-consuming identity. how they relate to the world around them is completely based on their identity as victim of ______.

before i write more, hear me out...I am not saying 'Get over it'. i don't want to be insensitive to the hurt and pain anyone has endured on any level, at any time. if you were a victim of anyone; know this, it is awful, no one can know what you've experienced, i wish it had never happened. it makes my heart hurt, it makes God's heart hurt. nor am i saying, forget about it, pretend it never happened. its a part of your story, but it doesn't have to be the whole story....

please though, please don't allow it to consume you. one of the trickiest traps the enemy has is to find a way to keep us a victim, keep us in our brokenness and pain, of having the pain and the action consume us to a point where God cannot even redeem the pain because we can't even imagine our lives without it!

there is another reason the enemy seeks to keep us as victims...we see victims as innocents. victims did not do anything to merit what was done to them. and if we remain in that victim state, if we allow ourselves to remain as victims; we begin to see ourselves as innocents and that begins to pervade every area of our lives until we begin to think we can't be in the wrong; because we are the victim...'this happened, that's why i'm this way and its ok because this happened"... we absolve ourselves of responsibility, we rob ourselves of transformation, we prevent God from being able to take those broken pieces of glass and transform them into something beautiful, something that shows the power a loving God has over the sin and evil in this world.

the enemy definitely doesn't want that. so he whispers, 'its ok, you're a victim, its not your fault. you're stuck in this now, you can't make it past this. besides, you're broken, you're a victim, what can you do anyway...'

but God is a liberating God. God is a transforming God. God proclaims freedom for the captives, liberation for the oppressed. God is who enables us to break away from an identity wrapped up in our victimization, and into an identity as the children of God. let that be what defines you. believe that today you can say, 'i was a victim. now i'm a child of God and victor in Christ.'

church, we must walk with the victims in our lives. its a hard thing, we don't like to enter into suffering, we try to avoid suffering at all costs. but church, if we are going to be like Christ...we must enter into the suffering that surrounds us, we must suffer with those in pain; that they might know they are not alone. we must be incarnational.

just a couple

2011-08-02T22:30:00.000-07:00

So much to share. i cannot even begin to share about all the things that have happened, are happening. so for now, here are a couple stories about the boys:

a couple days ago we were sitting in the park having lunch and Dom was noticing that Eli and our friend Jaquintz both had two peaches in their lunches...he only had one. so we looked around, Mandy suggested that he may have dropped it in between where he had picked up his lunch and where we were eating...

Dom: "You know, there's a song about this." and he begins

'I lost my pe-each. i don't know whe-ere it went. Mommy said it could have fallen, so we co-ould look. I don't know where that peach is so i have to eat my cookies....' this went on for about 35-40 seconds and then; he looks at me and pauses, 'Dad, lets just take a moment, this is a long song.'

we could not stop laughing

Then yesterday, Eli was wanting something; I can't really even remember what it was. He asked Mandy for something and she told him no. So, he waits for her to leave the room and then asks me the same thing:

Me: What did Mommy say?

Eli: Stop talking to me Dad. I don't want to talk to you anymore.

Nice....

reflections...

2011-07-25T22:21:00.000-07:00

sitting here, head stuffed up. Benadryl starting to kick in...which means there is a haziness to my thoughts; and yet, i'm typing something that others might read. this could be fun....

i'm not sure what God is up to. really, i'm not. you would think that with the books i have lining this wall, and the degrees packed neatly away; that i'd be able to see it a bit clearer right now. but, i don't. and for the first time...in a long time...i'm ok with that.

so much is going on in life, and i'm thankful for all of it...

i'm thankful for an unexpected brother who, although each of our journey's have been wildly different, our hearts are beating with the same desire for 'thy kingdom come on earth as it is in heaven.' i'm thankful for his family, the unexpected aunt, uncle, and cousins my children now have in their life.

i'm thankful for the challenge of living out this 'calling'; this mission in a way i could not have predicted. 30 hours a week being a tent-maker in a community i have fallen in love with. the joy that the dozens of popsicle sticks i pick up must have brought to the children who enjoyed them. the pain that must have brought on or come with the empty crack bags, beer bottles and condoms i pick up off the ground. these things move me into a deeper passion for each and every face i see each and every day. the stories of hurting marriages, hurting parents, hurting children, all broken, all seeking, in their own way the elusive state of wholeness and peace. i'm thankful, that for some reason, my Creator saw fit to put me in this place to be a reflection of his presence and love for each of them. oh how i hope i don't take my job for granted.

i'm thankful for a young man who decided to take a risk with a Project that has no track record and his own heart has been opened to a God who loves him. he's learning what it is to be a man

, to step out of his comfort zone and be a man who doesn't follow what is going on around him. he's learning that his hard work and dedication can and should and will go beyond the basketball court.

i'm thankful for two little boys who for some reason, each and

every day, beg me to play with them. for two little boys who find a deep satisfying joy in wrestling with their daddy. for two little boys who will touch absolutely EVERYTHING they are not supposed to touch, just to get me to stop focusing on other things and remind me of the need to focus on them.

i'm thankful for a little girl; who although she has not taken a breath of air yet, already has more clothes than anyone else in this family. who's name will forever remind me of the graciousness of my God. i'm thankful for a little girl who already owns her daddy.

i'm thankful for a woman who is begging me to come to bed because she doesn't like to go to sleep without me beside her. for this woman who puts her all into raising our children. for a woman who will not allow me to forget that God has called me to steward her and our children first. for a woman who's very smile can melt away the madness in my own head.

i'm thankful for a God who continues to move and break into this world; for a God that reveals the love had for me. for a God who's grace extends beyond an eternity in heaven; and breaks into the ordinariness of my life.

what he said

2011-06-05T13:52:00.000-07:00

i love John 17. I love to hear and read how Jesus prayed for me...really, prayed for us. Thinking about the fact, that as Jesus was preparing himself for the cross, for his glory restored...his prayer was that we might be as unified with him and the Father as they are unified. that's pretty sweet. think about that for a second, the creator of all things desires to be united with you, to reside with you, with us. And something tells me...Jesus' prayers, they were heard...

i loved visiting my grandparents when we both lived in New York. I'd go out there at least once a month on a Sunday night, and spend the night and half of Monday. Grandma would always have spaghetti and meatballs on the oven, no matter if I showed up at 7 or at 10:30. She'd be watching out the window for me and we'd sit around the kitchen table, mugs hanging on the wall, pictures covering the fridge...we'd talk, well, she would talk and I'd eat, sharing in between mouth-fulls. I always sat facing the fridge. I loved seeing that fridge. it was filled with pictures of all my aunts, uncles, cousins, family...the extended family, the ones my grandparents had adopted as famil

y. she called it her prayer fridge...if your picture was on that fridge, you knew Grandma was praying for you. there was no doubt about that.

And every morning as I got out of bed and joined Grandma and the Bishop (what we call Grandpa) for breakfast, we'd eat; Grandpa would read a devotional and then he prayed. There was something about when Grandpa would pray, he'd call out all the family members by name. I'd sit there and marvel at the way he could pray every time with earnestness in his voice. Never were our names mentioned as in rote repetition of a prayer prayed daily...Grandpa would pray with a love and a passion that would call me into that same spirit as we prayed for everyone. Hearing Grandma echo with her 'yes' and 'o Jesus'...i knew, again, that prayer fridge was used for that purpose. it was never rote repetition...it was always real love and real pleas.

And i would be humbled as I sat there and listened to Grandpa pray for me, pray that I would serve Christ with faithfulness. And I also couldn't help but believe that his prayers were being heard. And every time we talk on the phone, one of them will tell me, we're praying for you Nick, and Mandy and the boys...and now baby Mia...every day Nick, every morning we're praying for you. And I know they are.

Thinking about the prayer of Christ and the prayers of these two Disciple-Giants, i'm humbled; these aren't words said because they need said or should be said. These are prayers prayed with expectation, expectations that they will be answered. and for that, i'm thankful. And I'm able to move forward in power and with hope...

Lord, hear our prayer...hear their prayer...hear your prayer...

2011-05-26T21:34:00.000-07:00

i love my neighborhood. i'm glad every aspect of my life happens all in the same community. the buildings are beautiful, the parks amazing (i've never lived in a community where there are LITERALLY 7 parks within EASY walking distance; we could stretch that number to probably 10 or 11). i love my neighbors, the different people, all with their own stories. stories of struggle as single moms, stories of struggle as refugees, stories of victory over addiction, stories of God's provision being abundant and present.

but, i'm also kind of upset...upset and sad. this is why...i love it here, don't want to move. but i'm don't like waking up, going to work and finding these.

and no, i'm not upset because I have to clean it off. i'm upset because in the last 10 days there has been two shootings in our neighborhood. i'm sad because another 18 year old kid's life has ended. i'm upset because this is often seen as ok. i'm sad because i hear neighbors say we should just stay out of the park...like we should just give them the park. here, have this beautiful, massive playground, pavilion, field, and basketball courts built for our kids. we should just walk away and let them have it.

now this is where i might get myself in trouble...

i'm tired of that. i'm upset because some gang-bangers think this is what they should be doing with their time. i'm upset because young men are being fooled into believing this is how manhood is expressed. but i'm tired of people saying we should stay away from the park, from the community. "let's get out of here." i'm not asking anyone to do anything they can't. i'm not asking anyone to put themselves at risk. i'm not asking anyone to put their kids at risk. i'm not asking people to come, flex muscle, yell, scream, pound our fists and force this out of the neighborhood. i am asking people to not be afraid. i am asking people to laugh. i am asking people to play. i am asking people to have cookouts, and invite their neighbors over; ALL their neighbors, no matter what they look like or what they are wearing. i am asking people to love each other, and even those with the spray cans in their hands. what a better way to subvert expressions of power (that's all those things are...that and boredom), than to come and laugh and play and eat and love. what a better way to subvert expressions of power than to show, by our actions...that we are not afraid. Let's show we aren't afraid by going out and living. Living freely. and then...lets invite them to come and live free t0o.

as is scrubbed this stuff today i thought of that verse in the Bible that says, 'Perfect love casts out fear.' i've been afraid, no doubt. there have definitely been moments when i've approached situations and my heart has been racing. but, if i love my community, if i love these cats wielding the cans and guns...if i love them with even an ounce of the love that Christ has for me, for them...

...what place does fear have?

there is so many things i want to say. to my neighbors, which includes the 60's. the first is this; i love you. i love that i can call you neighbor. i love that i'm in this community with people like Herman and Nike Greene, and that I can call them family. the second is this, i won't be afraid. will you join me?

Acts 4.29-31

2011-05-07T22:57:00.001-07:00

They didnt pray for a hedge of protection. They didn't pray for God to rid them of these mean nasty horrible people. They didn't ask for justice.

Courage, they said. Confidence in proclaiming the word....ya know...while You are doing what it is that you do, miracles, healings, signs and wonders. You do what You do, and God grant that we may speak your Word with all confidence.

We ask for confidence in the face of getting made fun of or laughed at and call it persecution (i know cause im guilty). We're soft. Facing death...you know, persecution...they prayed for confidence to proclaim the word.

We pray for courage ya know, if the opportunity arises and we can squeeze Jesus into a conversation (again, guilty). They pray for WHEN they proclaim...not just to share if it happens to fit, but as proclamation.

Know what happened when they prayed? God. Yes, God happened.

Dont know what to do or think about this other than, we soft...i'm soft...i want to be a proclaimer...

2011-04-10T13:31:00.000-07:00

time to die. its inevitable. death is one of life's few constants, few guarantees. we fight it though...with every ounce of our beings, we don't like death, it scares us. its the great unknown.

i'm not a fan of death...i mean, who is? i don't like goodbyes. i remember the last time i spoke with my Aunt Judy. she was very quiet as my mom and grandma held the phone by her ear. i had trouble hearing her. i can't remember all i said, told her i loved her, would cheer the Steelers louder for her, would stay as close to my cuz as i could (miss you cuzzo). i knew it was the last time, and i hated it. but at the same time...there's this thing called resurrection...

we experience death, easily, on a weekly basis. and sometimes, we need to experience death, because before we can experience resurrection, death has to happen. sometimes relationships need to die, in order that new life might be breathed into them. sometimes attitudes need to die, that new dispositions can be born. sometimes egos need to die, that humility might be born.

sometimes death NEEDS to happen, so that we might experience resurrection...that we might experience the Resurrection. doesn't make it easy...but its worth it...

to be known

2011-03-30T21:29:00.000-07:00

there is freedom in being known. freedom in people knowing all your 'ish and all your good stuff. freedom in people knowing the 'ish, and sticking around. there is freedom in your 'ish not repelling a friendship or a relationship.

imagine the woman's confusion and wonder when He says, "it's true. you've had 5 husbands, and now you shackin up with a dude who isn't your husband". (NMP, nick mucci paraphrase). and yet, he doesn't leave, he doesn't judge, in fact, he continues to engage, continues to prod, continues to open the woman's eyes to who was in front of her in that moment. it was so freeing, that she leaves the water pot she had brought at noon to avoid the crowds, and returns to seek people out to share the good news...

"i've met someone who knows all about me, all my story...and could it be?!" i imagine her thinking, he knew my stuff and didn't judge, didn't cast aside, but continued to open my eyes to the greatness and goodness of this loving God...is this really who God is? is this the One?

we like to hide, we like to have parts of ourselves hidden. the thoughts we think when we are frustrated or alone or disappointed or angry. the fact we get disappointed or angry. the way we interact with our kids, our spouse, our co-workers...no one else needs to know about that. i'll keep that to myself...and thus we perpetuate the lie: that we are good or that no one will love us if they knew our 'ish.

i so desire for people (and for myself for that matter) to be able to fully trust in this unfathomable love of God, this crazy affection God has for us, no matter our sin, no matter how 'far gone' we think we are...this loving God desires community with us, and for us...

which leads me to a question...can we really claim we are 'in community' with others if we keep part of ourselves from them? thoughts?

This food

2011-03-25T23:37:00.001-07:00

All week ive been reflecting on the words Jesus shared with his disciples upon their return to find him at the well. Eat they said. But he didnt need to. Eat. And he says, I have food you know nothing about. How true that statement is...do we know anything about that food, I mean really know...food defined as doing the will of the Father...being sustained by obedience, being nourished by a life lived pointing to One who is greater, do we know this food? Have you tasted it?

Fasting is difficult, Im not good at giving up food...in fact im poor at it. I watch Man vs Food and I'm convinced I could handle any of the challenges. The thought of being sustained by 'thy will be done' is something that is wholly foreign to me...but yet this is how Christ described what had just happened. He had done the will of the Father and food was unnecessary in that moment...which makes me think again, food? Unneccesary? Inconceivable!

There are those in my life who ive watched move forward with an unquenchable desire to do the will of the Father...im talking about the ones who go anywhere, do anything, say anything, trusting, believing that what compels them is not ambition or a sense of ought to, but out of complete and utter obedience to the One who has called them. These are the people who amaze me....

I pray to be sustained by that food...

the Well

2011-03-14T23:30:00.000-07:00

I'm listening to this week's themed song from the Ashes to Fire CD/Devotional....and while the music clearly thus far only represents one cultures' musical style (i haven't listened to the rest, taking it one song, one week at a time)...i've enjoyed the two songs so far. this week's song, Lead Me, by Dan Dean is pretty good. i'm sitting on the chorus lines: lead me to the fountain of new life. lead me to the well that won't run dry...

my mind immediately runs to John 4 and Jesus' exchange with the Samaritan woman; this broken, beat-up outsider who's walking to the well in the heat of the day. their exchange is classic, Jesus exposing her misplaced worldview as the woman seeks to evade exposing her inner-most secrets. unfortunately, or in reality, fortunately for her...there is no 'hiding' from God. as Christ shares that he already knows...he already knows who she is, already knows everything she's ever done...he still offers hope. he still offers this well that won't run dry, he offers a fountain of new life. he still offers her the gift of His presence, of being Immanuel.

the beauty of it all...she leaves her water pot. there is something about encountering the divine, encountering the great I AM that leaves us changed, that leaves us different. we can't help leaving things behind, and why would we want to take them with us? why carry the shame? why carry the guilt? why carry the sadness? why carry the sin? leave it, leave it at the well and let Christ lead you to the fountain of new life. we also can't help taking something new with us. some of that thirst-quenching water. some of that peace giving life. sure, life still beats us up at times...its life, get used to it...but the good news is there is a fountain, a well, that we've been to, that we're forever invited to, which will satisfy...

as i walk our neighborhood every morning, smiling and encouraging the kids as they walk to school, offering a 'good morning' to whoever will receive it (even if i'm cranky sleepy nick)...i pray that somehow, someway, i can share the Well. i hope and pray that my life, that our lives, are signposts to that well, that others leave us different, because that well and fountain is flowing from within us...

and with that bit of rambling, i'll take my daylight savings time messed up self to bed...

Just do it

2011-03-13T09:52:00.000-07:00

My son has entered that phase...the one all parents eagerly await., It's the one that is spearheaded by a curiosity of the world as well as a realization of an independent will; and is fueled by one three letter word...why? With Dom it is really, 'But, but why?'

Dom, you need to pick up your toys.
But, but why?

Dom, don't hit the dog with your toys.
But, but why?

Dom, you need to put your big boy pants on before you leave the bathroom.
But why Dad?

And its only a matter of time until his curious independence wears me out and I say, 'Just do it.' A lecture on the etiquette of nakedness while friends are over just seems out of place.

As I read of Christ's temptation this morning and the subsequent devotional from Ashes to Fire, I was held captive by Christ's unwavering full on obedience to the Father. There were no 'why's', no 'what will happen'. Just obedience. His obedience came from his complete oneness and trust in the Father. Of course, Christ knew his journey and ours, well, ours to a degree remains a mystery...but there are some things we can know...

Obedience means we give up our independence, our wills, our desire to have it my way, right away. Obedience means we probably will have to give up our rights. Like Peter, we will be called to be led by someone else...someone greater.

Obedience means we gain intimacy. None could argue that the intimacy Jesus experienced with the Father is unrivaled. A quick look at Christ's life reveals how in-step Jesus was with the Father. This is a 'reward', a result of obedience.

When I tell Dom, 'Just do it'. I've reached my end, what I'm demanding from Dom, is not just obedience, by compliance. God asks us for our trust, our faith, which allows us to follow the way of Jesus because we know God's got this. Because our faith and trust in God is fueled by the love of Christ. god is not one who will say 'Just do it', that's not his nature, but I pray to be like the apostle Paul who wrote, 'the love of Christ compels us...so that they who live might no longer life for themselves, but for Him who died and rose again on their behalf.' (2.Cor 5.14-15) I pray to have the obedience of Jesus.

Work it

2011-03-12T07:02:00.001-08:00

I'm reminded today that good works can not come out of a desire to earn God's favor...for we couldn't do enough...rather good works, fruitful labor, these flow out of the deep and intimate experience of God's love and favor. You love like Jesus because you are his boy, not to become his boy.

There's a freedom there unlike anything else. We are free to know God's love without earning it or working for it. Freedom to be at peace with our heir status. There is peace to be who we are, too be ourselves.

There seems to also be a freedom from pride in this. Track with me and see if this makes sense. If my good works, my fruitfulness flows from within like living waters, then it is Christ at work within me that has caused those good works. Therefore the glory is his and we can give it freely. But if our good works come from a desire to get Christ in there, to convince the Holy Spirit we are a worthy vessel to make a home...then our actions flow from ourselves...we seek to make the glory our own. "This is what I did to get more of the Holy Spirit". This make sense?

I'm becoming more and more thankful and at ease with my beautiful brokenness. For His power is made perfect in our weakness.

Titus 3:4-7 ESV
"But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life."

posted from Bloggeroid

that time again...

2011-03-07T17:28:00.000-08:00

...when something hits me and i share it with those who wish...

ima do me.
in the face of pain or adversity
ima do me, take care of me, look out for me
as i look around me i see
can't nobody hold me down
cause ima do me

submission? you must be missin somethin inside that head
you say i need led
to be one of the living dead
to fall on my kness and not do me, but do Thee?
is that what you said?

you say submission is the omission i've been missin
and its why in the face of hurt or disgrace
i tend to lose my head
all because i said
ima do me

you want to reframe my picture
you say here, let this hitcha
to follow you is to die to me and live for thee
but what about me?
to live this life i give up my right
my right to life uninhibited, of stuff unlimited
of needin to win and then i will begin to live

i can't live the thee life, this we life
when i'm wrapped up in my me-life
what i need
is to be freed
of my need, my need for me

Paul says to die is to gain
and this is my point made plain
with Jesus at my back my front and my side
as my King and my guide
this life can be lived from the inside out,
its not me ima bout
but the one i cant live without

i pick up my cross
i choose to die daily
and through these words then maybe
just maybe
you can help me give up the love of me
to choose to die and live for He

cause its no longer 'ima do me'
but ima do He

not about rob bell

2011-03-01T15:55:00.000-08:00

Rob Bell. Rob Bell. Rob Bell. there, i've mentioned rob bell in my blog. i don't need to add my voice to the many that are chattering about this book he's written, which none of them, nor anyone for that matter, has read yet. there are many who's sentiments i pretty much agree with, so i'll send you to their pages. his and his and hers.

anyway, what i really jabber about is what lies ahead. next week is ash wednesday. our little cohort of disciples is looking forward to going through a journey from ashes to fire, a devotional journey published by Beacon Hill Press. check it out. we are really looking forward to this journey. in preparation for next weeks ash wednesday reflections, i'm thinking about how much i need the cross. i'm a man, a flawed, issue-plagued, mess of a man. (just ask Mandy, although, she might tell you i'm not). i cannot even begin to express my need and thankfulness for the cross. i am but dust; to dust i will return. i hope and pray this realization does not manage to vacate my mind after this 'season' is over. this season calls for humility, to truly participate within this part of the church year, we have to approach it with a humble spirit. we aren't God. we need God. we aren't our own Savior. we need a Savior. i'm thankful that the next few weeks as we journey towards the cross...its a journey our Lord took already, its a journey that if we open our hearts to it, that he will walk with us on.

but i hope that when this 'journey' ends; i don't close the book on that spirit. that spirit that tells me i need the Gospel everyday, in every moment. so that in every conversation, i might be filled with charity and grace that comes from the Holy Spirit.www.ashestofire.com

the words of my mouth

2011-02-26T15:09:00.000-08:00

"...and the tongue is a fire..." - james 3.6

we know this. don't we? we know our tongues, our mouths, the words that come from our mouth...that come from our heart and mind are ridiculously powerful. we've all seen after-school specials, sitcoms, and shows like Glee that take a moment and get serious so they can teach us about bullying, and the power words can have to break people's spirits. in seminary i learned a bit about Wittgenstein and his 'language games'. the things that come out of peoples' mouths can illuminate who they really are, especially in moments of crisis. the words we say are packed with power. they can build up, encourage, strengthen, affirm, restore...they can destroy, break down, crack, hurt, harm...

in reading the first part of this section of James...verses 1-5...i'm struck with not how words can harm, hurt or encourage those outside of us, but how those words, how those things we say can harm, hurt, or encourage ourselves. things that we say, either out loud, or in the confines of our own minds can shape the way we think, the way we act, the way we relate to others, the way we relate to Christ.

i'm not a big 'just think positive' person...not all that sure the 'name it and claim it' message has any standing in the scriptures...but i wonder how much our thoughts and words really can affect ourselves. the words we speak out loud, or in our thoughts, can really affect our actions. if the things we say to ourselves, or about ourselves convince ourselves we aren't lovable or good enough...we'll begin to with hold our true selves from others and thus prevent ourselves from ever experiencing true community. if the words we speak or think create a sense that we are destined to failure...the idea of stepping out on faith becomes far too risky and prevent ourselves from ever experiencing a deep relationship with Christ. if the words we speak or think tell us we are the problem in all our relationships...well, we won't have any to screw up, cause we won't enter into any.

most who know me, know i spend most moments that i am alone with an overactive, over analytical mind. while it does have its positive side, it seems as if the negative side of all that prevails more often than not. i'm going to make a concerted effort over the next few days to ensure that the 'positive' side spends more time 'naming and claiming' only the promises found in scripture...

James is a beast at reminding us that God should be at work within those who follow Jesus, transforming us more and more into his likeness, into true disciples of Jesus. so, this is my prayer, that the Lord would transform my tongue, completely...not just the words spoken out loud but words spoken within...

...so also, the tongue is a small part of the body, and yet it boasts of great things...(ja3.5)
...may the words of my mouth, and the meditations of my heart be pleasing to You oh Lord (ps19.14)

snowballs, snowmen, and community

2011-02-24T20:14:00.000-08:00

so it snowed. i have all kinds of comments but apparently my mocking has struck a nerve ;) anyway. whenever it has snowed and i've then gone to work; i've expected something. i've expected every kid, who is loving their free day from school to take some of that snow, wad it up into a spherical shape and then see if they can hit my moving golf-cart ride. so this time...this time, i prepared myself. i made snowball after snowball while i waited for the compactor to finish its job. I would head out armed and prepared...

the utter joy that ensued was wonderful. i loved watching these kids light up when i not only didn't yell at them for hitting my cart, but got out of the cart wielding my own ammunition. i spent half of the day smiling and laughing as kids would chase me and my cart around the property seeing if they could get me. the kids made snowmen, big ones, small ones. they made snowballs.

you know, that story, it will never make the news. stories of kids of 4-5 different ethnicities and cultures building snowmen in the middle of our park won't make any of the news sites or news shows. Because those stories are reserved for the nice neighborhoods. Stories from our neighborhood are usually reserved for tragedies. Yeah, i went there. I celebrate our neighborhood, I celebrate the fact that kids all over New Columbia in North Portland, played, laughed and were united together in joy and peace...playing. Something small, I know, but there was a common language today. A language of fun, of seeing what could be made with snow, of laughter. In a small way, this was a moment of community building if there ever was. I wish I could have stopped working and gathered all the kids from all over the property for an epic snowball war right in the middle of McCoy Park. It was wonderful watching them today. There was no fear, no worry. They had a blast...and you know what...so did i.

i love my neighborhood.

In His image

2011-02-18T18:56:00.001-08:00

You were created in the image of God. You were created in the image of the eternal, indescribable God. You were stamped in your inner-most being with the Imago Dei (image of God). Who you are, who you were created to be, begins, ends and centers on whose image you have been made in.

That family member who you wish wouldn't show up to family events because of the awkwardness they produce...has been stamped with that same Imago Dei. That co-worker who is clearly more concerned with themselves and their stuff, and their time, and what they want...has been stamped with the Imago Dei. That thug selling dope to the kids you teach and coach....Imago Dei. That guy or girl who seems to live to make you cry...Imago Dei. The woman in that video you watch when no one else is looking...Imago Dei. The guy standing in the corner of the on ramp to the freeway...Imago Dei. That friend who'd stab you in the back if given the chance...Imago Dei. Your parents who destroyed more of you than built you up...Imago Dei. That blowhard on TV speaking more about fear and hate than actual news or solutions...Imago Dei. Your neighbor who goes to the temple, the mosque, the Spiritual Center, mass, that other church...Imago Dei. The boss who lives to make your life miserable...Imago Dei.

I am humbled by my own sin of hate for others, and not seeking to recognize the Imago Dei in all of us, and not reflecting more the Imago Dei created within me.

posted from Bloggeroid

perspective

2011-02-12T22:18:00.001-08:00

It has been a week since my Steelers laid a stink bomb down in JerryWorld. Turnovers will kill ya...so will an offense designed to attack a weak secondary. Anyway, as the game ended the texts and facebook messages began to come in. my favorite had to be "sorry for your loss" as if someone close to me had passed on. Of course, the shrine I had created may have led to that...and ya know...a few years ago, that probably would have been appropriate, right Jeff?

Its amazing what two wonderful children and the news of a third on the way, plus being a part of a community who suffers together can provide perspectice. Game ends and diapers need changed, stories need read, stories need heard, prayers need prayed, hugs need to be shared...how thankful I am for perspective...

posted from Bloggeroid

knockin on seven's door, stairway to seven and my confession...

2011-01-24T06:49:00.000-08:00

as i sit with my coffee, this celebratory morning...the day after my Steelers have punched another ticket to the Super Bowl, i'm humbled with how little it matters. now before all my Pittsburgh friends call blasphemy and seek to take away my membership in Steelers Nation, you know my veins run black and gold...but, really, i'm struck with how much more important other tasks are. i'm sitting, in a semi-quiet house...eli thinks its time for him to wake up...coffee in hand, the Word open, and i'm asking God to expand His kingdom today.

as i think about that request, that i desire in some way, for my life to be used to see God's will done on earth as it is in heaven, for my life to be used in someway for the kingdom to become someone's reality...i'm overcome with its largeness. this is a very large request, and my eyes have to be fixed on Christ, not on a seventh trophy (i say this as i have two tabs open on my browser as well as this one that talk about the Steelers win). if i'm spending the next two weeks getting into the Super Bowl hype, i wonder if i'll miss the opportunity to be the one hyping something greater. we were joking Saturday with close friends Nike and Herman, as well as last night at the gathering with Karl, Carrie, Heather and Jean...that Mandy has become a Steelers fan if for no other reason that she hates to be around me if the Steelers lose. we all had a great laugh about that and i wore it almost like a badge of honor...look at me, i am a true fan. i love my team so much that my entire emotional life and body chemistry is affected by a win or a loss...

as much as i love my Steelers...and my newly decorated living room can prove that...i want my life to be a witness to the kingdom. i hope this is seen for what it is, my confession. my confession that in the midst of all that God is doing in my life and in my neighborhood that i can easily get caught up in a game in such a way that i become blinded to what God desires for and from me. and of these things i repent...

2011-01-05T08:11:00.001-08:00

So I am a bit late, but thought I would share. In Oregon the smell of Christmas is that fresh cut pine tree, that you either picked up down the street, or slogged off and cut down yourself. So, two days after Thanksgiving, off we went to th tree farm to cut one down...i was a but oppossed to the idea sure to the needley mess, fire hazard it could become, but when in Oregon...

I got called a Scrooge often because of my non-attachment to the tree, we always had a fake one, and it didn't smell like Christmas to me, smelled like the forest, or one of those cheap air fresheners...and those needles...

Then, a few days before Christmas, I came home got our of our car...and there it was...that smell, that beautiful smell of Christmas. Mom? I thought...no way, too cold here...i entered or home as the smell increased, my insides were dancing that dance of pure joy as I rounded the corner to or kitchen to see...

Now, now it was Christmas. Thank you to my beautiful wife who doesn't the next two days perfecting its goodness!

celebrate while you wait

2010-12-05T14:16:00.000-08:00

we put the Christmas tree up. A full week ago. The turkey, stuffing, and mashed potatoes had barely had time to settle and we headed to the tree farm. yeah, i cut down my own tree, now that we're in Oregon, i keep being told to not have a real tree would be un-oregonian of me, hmm...

last night we finished putting the lights on the outside of the house, in honesty, i hadn't taken half of them down from last Christmas, ok, from two Christmases ago. we were outside at the end of the night, did my best Clark Griswold, plugged 'em in and Dom went running around, its Christmas, its Christmas, DAD! Jesus is coming! Even this morning, he reminded me many times, Dad, Jesus is coming. He's coming. (nodding emphatically). Ah, Advent. The season we remember the coming of the Messiah, and we practice the hope of the resurrection.

I remember the first time my Dad shared one of his frustrations with expressions of Christianity; 'bumper sticker verses'. Ya know, when a verse gets yanked out of context, we put it on a bumper sticker and call it all good. Jeremiah 29.11. You probably know it without the link. Read the context my Dad would say, yeah, God has plans for us, and they start with us getting used to where we are, and living well there.

Israel is in exile, false prophets say, this won't be long, Jeremiah says, 'Actually, its going to be a while.' 70 years. 70 years they have to wait for their promised redemption. That's going to take a little while. So, what does God say to do, 'Build houses, plant gardens, get married, have kids, have your kids get married.' Ya know, get on with life. But if we look at those things they aren't just 'get on with life things'; they are celebration worthy things. The actions they were called to, were actions that would be seen as surprising to their captors. You are prisoners here, and yet you celebrate, you do things that are causes for hope, causes for joy.

We are waiting, we are anticipating. How do we wait? Do we circle a date on the calendar and then bear it until then? Or do we celebrate the promises we've been given? How I hope and pray that as we celebrate Advent, we celebrate with great joy, great hope!

consuming fire

2010-11-06T10:13:00.000-07:00

so i've been reading in Jeremiah, and as usual, you get stuck hearing about my random semi-connected thoughts to what i've read. the part in ch 20:

'But if I say, "I will not remember Him or speak anymore in His name,"

Then in my heart it becomes like a burning fire shut up in my bones;

and I am weary of holding it in, and i cannot endure it"

that passage always reminds me of a Corey Red and Precise song The Passion and the hook, 'its like fire shut up in my bones, ev'rytime i spit fire in the microphone, the devil is a liar and we make it known, Jesus Christ the Messiah forever on the throne". (Gerson, I still pump da Matrix Joint and think about the blown-out speakers in our dorm for the rest of the year)

And i wonder....is it?

I mean, is it, is it like fire shut up in my bones? sure there are days when i'm begggging someone to talk to me so i can tell them some new revelation and experience of Christ that i've been blessed with. and there's other times that, well, there's other times that i'm just not.

i just finished reading this book, Becoming the Answer to our Prayers, and the authors talk about being sure your spiritual formation and your "social action" ( i dislike the term because of how it is often misinterpreted, i prefer living out your relationship with Christ), about having them not be separate or activities that can stand alone. they reference this conversation between these two monks concerning intimacy with the Creator and one of the monks says, "if you want, you can become all fire". i wonder, is this what Jeremiah spoke of? this deep, consuming intimacy that is not based on just because God did this for me...but rather is so full of love and intimacy with Christ, that we become 'fire' we become the words, our knowledge of God is not based on things we know, but rather on the One we know?

is any of this making sense? i hope so. because the bottom line for me is, i don't want to know about God, i don't want to read books about God, i don't want to rely on what others have experienced about God, i want to know God. and i want to know God in such a way that i become 'all fire' that I am consumed by the Consuming Fire, that i couldn't eat, sleep, breathe, play, work, rest without the deep knowledge of the presence of Christ.

ah, had to catch my breath there, went all 'preacher' on myself. this week we look are looking at Matt 25.1-13...do you know God, does He know you?

2010-10-30T16:48:00.000-07:00

getting ready for the morning and read this in a commentary:

"...they laboriously climbed the wearisome staircase of futile ordinances and dead works only to discover at the top of the stairs, as they came to the close of each year of concentrated effort, and went to the sanctuary on the great Day of Atonement, that the door to the chamber of God at the head of that stairs was closed and barred against their entry. The could, in fact, get no nearer to God than the curtains of the outer court of the tabernacle. Now, suddenly, the outer curtain has been removed, the court is thrown wide open to the worshipers, the inner veil is swept aside, and Christ, God's own Son, bids them boldly, without fear or trepidation, to draw near, enter the very court of God's presence..."

hallelujah

momma told me there'd be days like this...

2010-10-21T07:22:00.000-07:00

so there was this conversation between friends yesterday in which one walked away a bit concerned about the other. you see, her friend seemed to be doing fine...no signs of sadness, despondency, or anything...but there also seemed to be no signs of joy, no signs of excitement. it was as if she was just there. now, i know there are seasons in life, we go through those kinds of things, its natural....but it got me thinking about our time out here...

'momma told me there'd be days like this, days like this my momma said...'

i've sung myself that many times. there have been many days where i couldn't be more frustrated, wondering what in the world we are doing...are we having any kind of impact? are we being faithful? are we being obedient...cause surely we'd be able to see some kind of growth right? but I distinctly remember, during those times of frustration, sadness, anger...if someone asked me how things were going...stories would flow, stories I couldn't have recalled in moments where i was by myself, stories that didn't seem big in the moments they happened, but stories i could tell of how God is moving...even if what seems like, ever so slightly. and as i would tell those stories, even in my sadness...joy would creep through, the stories would overcome any sense of sadness or frustration because God would show me that its worth it. God would show me, that even in those moments of frustration, moments of 'are you kidding me?!' Emmanuel is still Emmanuel. and that is cause for joy.

thats the power of story i think. well, maybe its the power of God within the story, but as we swap stories, as we share about real life change, no matter how small, they infuse a sort of joy, excitement, anticipation and expectation for more...like this story has more chapters to be written, dialog to share...the story goes on, and Emmanuel remains...

these chains

2010-10-13T18:26:00.000-07:00

every once in a while, i get inspired...

these chains

these chains bind, confine and hide me

these chains remind and these chains define me

these chains say i'm no good, my attitude, my altitude keep me grounded

crying, screaming, reaching to be unbounded

so i stretch and strain

but the weight makes me wait for a new kind of freedom

will i ever be free from these chains

these chains, they speak of things past, things said, things done, things undone

these chains won't let me go

these chains won't let me know

life

without these chains

this hand

this hand reaches out

this hand offers a hand to help me stand to help me see that i am a man

this hand offers to carry these chains

as we walk these chains remain

though not so heavy as we carry them together

he offers me freedom forever

freedom from things past, things said, things done and things undone

we embrace

and i see his loving face

and his unending grace

i look around at this place and i see these chains

these chains are gone

these chains are gone, so i will sing this song,

Holy is Your name!

I will sing this ong, my freedom song

that i was once bound, was lost but now am found

My God, My King, My friend has brought me freedom from these chains

Glory to his name

don't lose hope, these chains don't define you

they don't have to forever bind you

seek his face

in this place

his grace is amazing, thats why we sing

Not because we've said, done or been anything great, but by his greatness

we stand as prisoners freed

to be free

to love and to live

to laugh and to give

a story for his glory that his mercies are new every morning

so hear my story

of forgiveness and freedom from my own prison

freedom from these chains that bind and confine

please let me remind you

freedom is what Christ can give you

a new story

a new name

and as for these chains

their gone

only he remains

Glory to his name

still worlds apart

2010-09-26T09:26:00.000-07:00

1995. its been 15 years since this album came out. i was 14. their song flood was on the radio, i remember being in the weight room for football practice, flood came on the radio and i looked around at my teammates singing along, laughing to myself...

they don't even know this is a christian band...snicker snicker snicker...

its was one of the final songs on the album though that grabbed my gut and still hasn't let me go. i remember going to my first jars concert in college, a solid 8 years later and when they walked off the stage with out singing worlds apart, i about flipped! HOW DARE YOU?! then the whole fake encore thing happened, they came back out, with caedmons call and threw it down.
this song continues to wreck me, in so many ways. different verses at different times...this morning it was the very first...

I am the only one to blame for this Somehow it all ends up the same Soaring on the wings of selfish pride I flew too high and like Icarus I collide With a world I try so hard to leave behind To rid myself of all but love to give and die

oh the pride of Icarus, the belief that i can soar, that I can fly...and then the long fall back to earth, colliding with all those things i thought i had overcome

anyway, watch this video, enjoy the song, has been and continues to be one of, if not my favorite song ever...

who am i?

2010-09-18T09:25:00.000-07:00

so we are getting to launch into a series on our identity as to our relation to the Creator. i'm excited...not just cause i've spent the last couple months listening to Eric Mason our at Epiphany Fellowship preaching on our identity, but because of how God is shaping my own identity. the more i become aware of who i am in Christ, the freer i become. i am free to relate to others, irregardless of their interpretations of me, i am freer to pursue idees, irregardless of whether or not they will become successful ideas. i am freer to be me. the best part is, i keep learning about me...

...sometimes its a hard learning process. i learn about good things, but it seems more often than not, i learn about those things i wish weren't a part of me. and while that can be painful, i'm thankful that i can become aware of them, and thus begin to deal with them.

i chatted with Tony Kriz this past week and he shared about this community of men he is a part of and how the more time he has spent in that group, the more he realizes he doesn't know about himself...and thus the more he learns about himself, make sense?

anyway, not sure how connected these thoughts are, but i'm going to spend the next few weeks trying to post here regularly as we embark on this journey through our identity...it won't be exhaustive, i'm not even close to that knowledgeable, but feel free to follow along.

Christ the telos

2010-08-29T10:43:00.000-07:00

so, yeah, we are going to tackle pieces of Revelation today. well...not really tackle, more wade through them with has much humility as possible. i like what Adam Clarke says about Revelation...

I am satisfied that no certain mode of interpreting the prophecies of this book has yet been found out, and I will not add another monument o the littleness or folly of the human mind by endeavoring to strike out a new course. I repeat it, I do not understand the book...

so rather than trying to reflect on the whole of the book, we are examining just a couple passage to reflect on what they aim to teach us about Christ's identity. i dusted off the old Greek New Testament, that one I bought but don't open enough, and examined what little I can remember of Greek, and with the little help of a commentary (ok, who am I kidding, a LOT of help). In chs 21 and 22, Christ is refers to himself as the beginning and the telos. we translate it the end...when it is often translated as 'goal'. Christ, the goal...

Christ is not just our Savior, our Creator, but Christ is our goal. As I let that simmer for a while, I could here Pastor Eric Mason echoing my head from one of his sermons on Colossians 1.15-18...Christ should be the goal of our life, not just our Savior...Christ is our goal. Never heard a preacher with so much power and conviction talk about how central Christ is to who we are...not as the first thing in life, but central to all things in life. Just as a happy marriage with Mandy isn't my goal, but Mandy herself is the goal of marriage, to know her, to be one with her...Christ is the end goal of all of life, all we do and say all we participate in, everything we are a part of...it's Christ...

...what if Christ is our blessing...

my rambling for today

whats it all about?

2010-08-26T23:01:00.000-07:00

territorial. chance is territorial...other animals come within eyesight of our yard and chance is convinced they are coming to taunt him, to infringe on his territory. ya know what frustrates me...when people act territorial. these are my customers...this is my store...this is my pew...doesn't the Word say, the earth is the Lord's and everything in it...why would anyone feel or act like, this is 'mine'. its not ours, not our community, not our mission...we are all servants, why would we act possessive?

guilty

what if they are able to do what I haven't been able to? what if all i'm supposed to have done was lay the ground work, and someone else gets the fruit...thats when it hit me...i cared about who gets the credit...what about me? what about what I've done? where's my pat on the back...

oh, Lord, forgive me, forgive my territorialness. this is not about me, it can't be about me, if it is, then i've already failed. thank you for the love you've formed within me for this neighborhood, this passion for my neighbors, my friends, our community...forgive and purge my jealousy, my pride....remind me that this is about your kingdom and i am your servant.

physical presence

2010-08-17T16:28:00.000-07:00

i love email. i hate email. i love it because it so convenient. i love it because i can ask a question, send a message without risking a conversation that takes longer than it needs to. i hate it because it prevents conversations that might need to happen from happening face to face. i love it because i can quickly send a message from my phone while i at work. i hate it because i think somehow i've done the connecting that needs done, and that an email is sufficient...

at Emergentia last year, Tony Kriz came and shared some thoughts he had on what the church had to offer this increasingly technological culture. one of the things he mentioned was presence. he showed us a YouTube video of a virtual friend thing that is being created that can recognize your voice, 'show' empathy, express encouragement...even 'take' things that you 'give' to them. its quite extraordinary, really...but, it can never hug you, it can never hold your hand, experience life with you, pat you on the back for encouragement...these things he said are where the church can address a real need that technology can never meet.

i wonder how often i neglect physical presence for email, for phone calls, facebook messages...when what is really needed is shared laughs, tears, emotions with someone with skin on...

just some ramblings

2010-07-25T14:32:00.000-07:00

so i'm still in Galatians...there is something truly powerful about this book. wanted to reflect a bit more on this freedom that comes with Christ. today we are looking at 3.17-29 and I can't help but sit on the back end of this...

' There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus.'

most of you who know me probably aren't to surprised that this is where I hung out for a while. I believe whole-heartedly that anything that divides us from another, be it culture, gender, economics, political affiliation, or denomination are obliterated when we are found in Christ. If we are found in Christ, are there things that divide us one from another? since this was found in a discourse on the law, it hit me about how the law has a tendency to divide...we measure our ability to follow the law against others and create this false sense of superiority based on what we do or don't do. then we begin to hold our false sense of superiority over others who never asked to be compared to us...

i wonder...in what ways do we create our own 'law' that separates us from other disciples of Christ...what kind of laws do we create that only shows others and ourselves our inability to 'measure up'. Holiness preachers, holiness teachers, how do we illustrate the difference between what it means to be made Holy unto the Lord and what it means to try and make ourselves holy unto the Lord?

if we create 'laws' or 'suggestions' that does more to separate us from other disciples that unify us with them, do we lose the power of the Gospel? does this 'law' cause others to believe the Gospel is actually based on merit and not on the greatness of Christ?

i freakin love him

2010-07-21T22:21:00.000-07:00

i got home and picked him out the car and his arms and legs wrapped around me and he put his head on my shoulder. i carried him inside, took his shoes off and went straight to his room....

...daddy, i want books...sure thing buddy.

we read Chicken Says Cluck and Dancing Feet. after, i rubbed his 100+ head and sang as best I could to help him fall asleep. watching his eyes slowly close, feeling how crummy he felt, my heart began to break. i could feel tears welling up in my eyes. i freakin love this kid. and i had to go back to work.

after work i came home and he seemed to be doing better, he was laughing and playing with little brother. in about 20 he was sitting on the couch, obviously start to struggle again and he was startin to lose it, so i sat down and he instantly curled into my side and mandy said uh, oh. i began to feel the warm rush of vomit on my side and i held him tighter, "you're doing a good job buddy. its ok. its ok."

there is nothing that is ripping my heart up more than the inability to do something for my boy. he just woke up after sleeping for 3.5 hours and tried to throw up again, but was dry-heaving. he's so tired, but so confused as i tried to turn him towards me, he pushed me away, said no, than threw himself into my arms. i freaking love him.

as we tucked him back in, he looked at me, his lip began to quiver and he said, "i ready to listen dad." oh bubs, you aren't in trouble. its ok, its ok...

Nouwen

2010-07-16T13:14:00.000-07:00

ran across this today...

"I call to you, O Lord, from my quiet darkness. Show me your mercy and love. Let me see your face, hear your voice, touch the hem of your cloak. I want to love you, be with you, speak to you and simply stand in your presence. But I cannot make this happen. Pressing my eyes against my hands is not praying, and reading about your presence is not living in it.
But there is that moment in which you will come to me, as you did to your fearful disciples, and say, "Do not be afraid; it is I." Let that moment come soon, O Lord. And if you want to delay it, then make me patient. Amen."
- Henri Nouwen in A Cry for Mercy

Can I get a "Lord, hear our prayer."

I wonder, what would our local faith communities look like if this became our corporate prayer? how would the Presence transform our presence...

freedom

2010-07-02T23:24:00.000-07:00

mandy is out with the girls on Celina's last night before she is married, the boys are asleep, i've got some shane and shane, waterdeep and caedmons call in the background...a CD Mike Lyle made me back in the day. after some time on facebook, watching videos on YouTube, reading up on the news coverage of Billy's funeral, i've decided to spend some time in Galatians.

turns out its fitting, since its the 4th weekend and freedom is on everyone's brain...well, that and fireworks and cookouts.

'it is for freedom that Christ has set us free'

a major part of Paul's discourse is on the Law, faith, and freedom. there is so much that is going through my head as i seek to grasp the freedom, the liberty that Paul writes of in Christ. its quite the challenge for this 'holiness-tradition' fed brother who often slips into a legalistic relationship to God...

i could write more, but there is more to think about, and sleep to be had...

fragility

2010-06-26T19:11:00.000-07:00

life is fragile. i know, a completely shocking statement, something we all know, few would argue...but its reality can only be experienced. 53. that's how old my aunt judy would have been today had cancer not finally won her 5+ year battle. 18. that's how old billy would have been on his next birthday had he not been gunned down on last monday. 2. that's how old the youngest child was who watched billy die. 6. that's how old little messiah is, she watched her pseudo-big brother billy die in her daddy's arms. 16, that's how old the young man is who is currently being held in billy's murder.

'...a voice was heard in Ramah, weeping and great mourning, Rachel weeping for her children...'

i watch these two little boys run, play, experience all their little eyes can take in and the abandon with which they throw themselves into the vroom-vroom of their tiny cars or rawrs of their dinosaurs...and i can't help but think about how fragile they are, and how fragile their lives have already been...

...life is fragile, live for today, stand for what you believe, or stop pretending...

play or fold

2010-06-18T20:44:00.000-07:00

life is full of decisions. do i order pepperoni or sausage? chocolate or vanilla? mustang or harley? but rare are the moments where we are presented with decisions that allow us to act on deep convictions. convictions that you'll say you believe in any and every conversation, or on any rambling blog discussion. so many of us have things that we believe, things that we would swear to be truth. and in theory, not many people would argue with us...many would nod in agreement...others would tilt their heads in curiousity and reflect if they could actually, in reality, practically play out..

...but to have the opportunity to act on those kinds of beliefs is a rarity, at least in my brief 29 years of life. until this week. there are things that i believe, with my whole heart....things that i would gladly speak out loud or even write on here...but to act on them is something different...when the chips are down and the cards are on the table...do you play? or do you fold? its a decision that could define what kind of man i am...or...i'm blowing it all out of proportion, and its really not that big of a deal, just another hand, just another moment, there will be many more...

words

2010-06-11T08:52:00.000-07:00

i just cant. i try and i try , i sit, i ponder, i plan, sometimes i even schedule it. but i cant. i'll sit down, open up the computer, go to blogger.com and stare at the blank screen hoping and waiting for something profound, something funny, something interesting to come to memory so that i can blog it for all 7 of my faithful readers.

then it dawned on me this morning. maybe its cause i am in need of less words, more silence...less words, more action. maybe its cause i talk too much and i need to spend a season listening better. hmph...maybe. so with that thought i think i'll stop typ

Domer-Daddy Time.

2010-05-31T08:22:00.000-07:00

these boys are happy. they really are, sure they get frustrated and Eli's tantrums are becoming things of legend! seriously, his flops on the floor are priceless! but they are so happy. you can see it when they wake up in the morning and run to Mandy or I. you can see it after nap time when Dom comes running out of the room because he gets to be with everyone again. you can see it when they are in the backyard completely fixated on some imaginary paradise they've created.

ya know what seems to make Dom the happiest? Domer-Daddy time. 'I get Domer-Daddy time?' he asks with genuine joy and excitement whenever Mandy or I tell him its Domer-Daddy time. his face lights up, his muscles clinch as his body gets ready to erupt in uncontainable joy....and my heart melts. this kid loves me. he loves to hang out with me, watching me mow, weed, clean, eat, anything. and if he gets hurt, he'll come running out of his room yelling, 'daddy kiss it.' apparently my kisses have some kind of magic power for these two, for after i kiss it, the tears stop and mayhem resumes! makes me feel like a hero, like i'm their hero...

i love Domer-Daddy time, today we went and got donuts (thanks for the idea Marshall). we walked in, i showed him the massive case and his eyes pop out as he says, 'Wow!' yes son, wow. all of these donuts and somehow we have to pick just one. chocolate with sprinkles, and chocolate milk. that's my boy. as he slowly picks the frosting and sprinkles off the top he points out everything he sees, from the moon in a picture to a person walking on the sidewalk...do you see all this daddy? do see how cool this world is? everything in it is so cool, and daddy, we get to share it together! we get to see and experience it all together.

'daddy' yeah Dom. 'i love you so much.' i love you too bub-bub.

my better half

2010-05-06T15:00:00.000-07:00

so, i want to take a moment and brag on my wife. is that cool? as if your answer would change my decision to do so...

i have never met a woman so passionate about her calling as a mother...not even my own mom, sorry...start by clicking on the Adoption Journey link at the top of the page and read the latest post, the latest reflections my wife had on being a mom of two boys, whose minds and hearts are still very fragile, and still very much having their understandings on who they are, and what this world around them is all about shaped and formed. she really is amazing. as i type this, i've been sick for the last few days and my wife has had to care not only for the two little boys, but this not so little man who acts like a boy when he's sick...

she is constantly reading blogs, books and quizzing others on how to parent the boys well...because of her deep passion, i've started listening to podcasts on parenting just so i can keep up with her...

she's great...on top of all that, she still loves this mess of a man. this Sunday we celebrate a day made just for you and your passion...Happy Mother's Day, if there was ever a mother deserving of being celebrated, its you Sweets.

redemption power

2010-05-02T13:09:00.000-07:00

Jesus is ridiculous. He is, I'm sorry, but this is just insane. The redeeming power of Christ is greater than ANYTHING. Allow me to tell you a story of a relationship I've had with a woman in our neighborhood...we'll call her Mrs. Jones. Single black woman, who adopted her grandson, who works at the local Elementary school. She knows everyone, everyone knows her.

ACT 1. May '09.

On one of my volunteering days at the elementary school, I entered to find all the volunteer tags were in use, so the secretaries, knowing me, said, just go ahead. So I went up to the classroom and there was an assembly, so I began to walk the students down with their teacher who needed to step away so she asked me to take the kids down alone. So we walked downstairs and I met Mrs. Jones. "Who are you? Where's your nametag? I've never seen you before? Are you supposed to be here?" Now, I had all kinds of clever responses, especially since I had never seen her before either, but I bit my tongue, gave my answers and went on my way.

ACT 2. Sept '09.

Mandy and I were at the home of a Somali family we had connected with through Bridgetown Ministries, and I was out front while Mandy was inside talking with the mom, I was keeping their youngest two entertained. Mrs. Jones lives 5 apartments down and went on a walk past the house, seeing me in the doorway, she says, "What are you doing here? Are you bothering my friends? Do I know you?" Again, this time feeling more and more clever responses rising to the tip of my tongue, I answered them, she said, 'Uh huh'...and continued on her walk, and I hurried Mandy along so I could get away from this lady.

ACT 3. Oct '09.

I work late in New Columbia, so I am the only grounds/maintenance guy there after dark. And since there are lots of lights on this 82-acre property, I had to drive around one night after dark in one of our little carts and check to see if all the lights were working. And here comes Mrs. Jones...not wanting to deal with anything I diverted eye contact. "Who are you, the new New Columbia police or something?" She says to me. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I'm wearing the maintenance uniform?! I know its dark, but COME ON! Instead, I say, no, I'm on maintenance, explain my hours, my job, defend my right to be there and she says, 'Oh, ok, I'm Mrs. Jones.' I say, "I know, we've met a few times." ...mistake... "Oh, yeah?! That's right...I've seen you." And next with the most sassy, inquisitor look she says, "You know, you are around kids an awful lot!" WHAT...ARE YOU...SERIOUSLY... I couldn't take it, youv'e got to be kidding me, are you really insinuating?! So I say, "Nice of you to assume the worst in a person." "You've got to earn it honey." She says. Oh, I had a great litany of things to say, but went about my work, while she attempted to continue our conversation...I informed her I was a new pastor in the area to which she says, 'Doesn't mean anything.' And now with much joy, I continued to finish out my night...

ACT 4. Feb '10.

As I walked past Mrs. Jones place, she started to get out of her car and rather than being a jerk and ignoring the eye contact, I asked her how she was doing. I wasn't quite ready for her response. She began to vomit up her struggle with a neighbor and his distaste for the loudness at which the non-white kids played on the public playground in front of his home. Not a lady to bite her tongue, at least in my experience, she began to go rounds with him. I listened, stood quietly, told her then how unfair it was, how frustrating that must of been for her, I encouraged her sticking up for herself, her son, and what was right. And for the first time, I left an interaction with her without smarthy comments whirling around in my head.

ACT 5. March '10

His name was Ernest...convicted felon, got fired from a job he had had for months because they decided to run his background check, and the past they didn't know was more powerful than the present they had come to know. We chatted and I prayed with him and as we said Amen we hear...'I want in!' Up walks Mrs. Jones. A bit suprised, I ask her whats going on and she shares about her day. She is on her way to court for her daughter who was in a bit of trouble. I blogged about this before here, but the long and short of it is that I went back to her place later in the day and her daughter had received a much lighter sentence, and Mrs. Jones was SO grateful...even praising God for it. Have I told you she's told me she's a buddhist?

ACT 6. April '10

"Good morning Mrs. Jones." I say as I walk past her place. "Lemme ask you something. You're a pastor, right?" Yup. "You have like services and stuff?" Yup "So you can do like weddings and stuff?" Yup "So you are ordained?" No, I'm licensed, but on my way to ordination. "You do work with gangs?" Not at this point, why? "Well, my son," who was now standing next to her, "got jumped in last week. And I told them boys to leave him alone that he wasn't going to do anything like that." We chatted a bit more about that when she said, "Well, I'm just looking for some men in the neighborhood who have their heads on straight and who I can trust to help my son out. So you keep that in the back of your head."

Jesus, You are RIDICULOUS!!! We continued chatting and I chatted with her son about playing catch sometime and both his eyes and her eyes lit up at that possibility. Craziness. Absolute craziness...

Needless to say, I'm looking forward to the continuation of this story....

Easter Gathering Notes

2010-04-04T14:49:00.000-07:00

these are my notes from this morning...wanted to share them. since they are my 'notes' please don't expect grammatical perfection...ok mom?

this time, this time of quietness is the hardest. I imagine the disciples spent these 24 hours on Saturday numb, confused, lost...trying to act like normal, but knowing, completely realizing that everything was not normal...their entire lives had been changed, turned upside down in the last 3 years...they had been religious outsiders, and it seemed they were becoming insiders and now their Teacher, the one they were convinced was Messiah is wrapped up in some cloths in a tomb, dead. what do they have to trust? what do they have to hold on to?

Luke 23.56 says, And on the Sabbath they rested according to the commandment. This is what they did, the rested from their work, they obeyed the commandment, they observed the Sabbath and rested. I can imagine them sitting in their homes, staring out their windows, staring at their walls...their kids running around, the smell of food wafting in the air, their animals doing their animal business while they sat oblivious to it all wondering about what had just happened.

We all have expectations, things we think that are going to happen, things that are suppossed to happen, things that aren't supposed to happen...we have expectations of perfect relationships, we have expectations of fulfilled desires, we have expectations that we can trust ourselves, we have expectations of safety and sanity and at some point or another, there comes a time in our lives when are expectations are carried away by some dudes with clubs and torches and sometimes with the kiss of one we hold most dear. The pain mounts, the confusion mounts, the fears mount and grow exponentially until we reach that place of Saturday between Good Friday and Resurrection where all we can do is sit, rest, wonder...we can't feel anymore, we want to feel, to feel is to be human, we want something that can stir us from our numbness...but we sit, we stare, we wonder if we'll ever be healed from those pains, from those broken expectations, we wonder if the pain we feel that we've cause ourselves will ever subside and vanish, or will it become such a normal pattern of our life that we won't even feel it anymore. so we get started, we do what we know, we do what we believe is normal, we rest on the Sabbath, we've always rested on the Sabbath, and when Sabbath ends, we continue to do what is normal, when someone dies...

...Now on the first day of the week Mary Magdalene came early to the tomb, while it was still dark, and saw the stone already taken away from the tomb. So she ran and came to Simon Peter and to the other disciple whom Jesus loved, and said to them, "They have taken away the Lord out of the tomb, and we do not know where they have laid Him." So Petere and the other disciple went forth, and they were going to the tomb. The two were running togetherl; and the other disciple ran ahead faster than Peter and came to the tomb first; and stooping and looking in, he saw the linen wrappings lying there; but he did not go in. And so Simon Peter also came, following him, and entered the tomb; and he saw the linen wrappings lying there, and the face-cloth which haD BEEN ON His head, not lying with the linen wrappings, but rolled up in a place by itself. So the other disciple who had first come to the tomb then also entered, and he saw and believed. For as yet they did not understand the Scripture, that He must rise again from the dead. So the disciples went away again to their own homes...

Just as things were returning to normal...just as life was getting put back together, as we are coming to grips with the fact that what we ha expected wasn't going to be, we get thrown this curveball...imagine the desperation in Mary's voice...as one whom Jesus had healed so incredibly, she has a deep love and trust in the Lord and she finds the tomb empty, goes and finds the boys and says, "They have taken away the Lord out of the tomb, and we do not know where they have laid Him" She had gone to continue the grieving process to continue the healing process and now there is more chaos, now there is more confusion...now Jesus' body is missing!! So Peter and we presume John get up and start running, and we get a nice little glimpse into their relationship...and when the other disciple entered it says he saw and believed...and what he believed at this point is that the Lord's body has been taken. It was gone...so they went home...but not Mary...ya see here's the thing about us dudes sometimes...we have feelings, we don't know what to do with them, we don't know how to speak them clearly so we move on...but thankfully you ladies are much better at expressing your emotions and seeing that as part of your healing process...for Mary...

...was standing otside the tomb weeping; and so, as she wept, she stopped and looked into the tomb; and she saw 2 angels in white siiting, one at the head and one at the feet, where the body of Jesus had been lying. And they said to her, "Woman, why are you weeping?" She said to them, "Because they have taken away my Lord, and I do not know where they have laid Him"

Because they have taken away my stability, they have taken away my peace, they have taken away all that I was able to trust and hope in and now I've got nothing, I don't even know what they did with it. I had a job...recession, gone. I had a house...bad market, gone. I had friends...bad decision, gone. I had family...broken promises, gone. I had healing and hope...crucified Messiah; and it feels like it is all gone. It was her emotions, it was her willingness to be honest with her inability to move on, to be honest with her inability to fix it all herself that made her ready for what was next...

When she had said this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, and did not know that it was Jesus. Her problem and sorrow and her tears had so filled her eyes, so filled her heart that she could not even recognized the Hope in front of her...Jesus said to hear, "Woman, why are you weeping? Whom are you seeking?" Supposing Him to be the gardener, she said to him, "Sir, if you have carried Him away, tell me where you have laid Him, and I will take Him away."

Mary is still clinging to those old expectations, still clinging to an old reality that she had constructed for herself, she is still clinging to those expectations that had fallen rather than allowing her eyes to yet be opened to the new expectation, the new reality that stands in front of her....

Jesus said to her, "Mary!" She turned and said to Him in Hebrew, "Rabboni!" (which means, Teacher). Jesus said to her, "Stop clinging to Me, for I have not yet ascended to the Father; but go to My brethren and say to them, 'I ascend to My Father and your Father, and My God and your God." MAry Magdalene came, announcing to the disciples, "I have seen the Lord," and that He had said these things to her. I have seen the Lord, and he spoke to me, I have seen the Lord and I was able to cling to Him, I have seen the Lord and He is not dead!!!!

Friends, even in the midst of our hurts, our struggles, our busted up, broken, and destroyed expectations for our lives, it is time to reorient ourselves around the truth of a resurrected Lord. Even when our old expectations have been lost, there is a promise of resurrection. Even when the relationships we've held on to become fractured, there is a promise of resurrection. Even when the stability that had become our norm has its feet cut out from under it, there is the promise of resurrection.

Paul writes to the church in Corinth that is still clinging to a realty that doesn't trust in the fullness of the Resurrection...But when this perishable will have put on the imperishable, and this mortal will have put on immortality, then will come about the saying that is written, "Death is swallowed Up in victory! O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?" The sting of death is sin, nd the power of isn is the law; but thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Nothing in this life that comes against us...not any kind of addiction, not any kind of hate, not any kind of pain, not any kind of man-made separation is left untouched by the redeeming God. These mortal bodies, these frail lives are not condemned to a life of suffering here on earth, we are not condemned to a life of just getting by here on earth, but we can stand today, because of the grace of Friday and the Victory of Sunday and shout, O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting? We serve a resurrected Lord. We celebrate the Lord's Supper today, not because our God has died, but because our God now lives!!!

from a pen to a prayer

2010-03-22T20:57:00.000-07:00

'hey man.'
'morning, brother, how you doin?' i asked.

'good, just gettin my girl a pen.' he walked to his car with purpose and i thought, 'alrighty then. 7:50 in the morning and a pen is priority i guess.' all this went through my mind as i felt the pen in my pocket, one of my pens...i'm kind of anal when it comes to my pens. i get specific kinds of pens that i enjoy using and i give mandy junk whenever she tells me to get her wallet out of her purse and i find one of my pens there...
'this your job?' he asked as he backed towards his car interrupting my pen dilemma.
'yeah man.'
'they hiring?'
'not here, but maybe at some of their other properties.'
'they hire fe...'
'what?'
'they hire felons?'
'i don't know their policy.'
he shrugged and made it to the car and began digging around for a pen, clearly not surprised or even disappointed by my response. seemed to be something he almost expected to hear...of course there would be a policy regarding felons, of which he was classified. meanwhile, my pen is still stuck in my pocket begging to be given away...alright, alright, you got it Lord.
'you find one?'
'wha?'
'here man.'
'nah man, she needs it.'
'its ok, i got other pens at home.'
'cool...i just got out ya know, about a 1.5-2 years ago.' he shared how he completed his bid, without getting anything additional, just did his time, his job on the inside and even went to school while inside. he then began to share about the job he held for a year, he had earned full benefits even...and then, after a year of employment, they ran his background check. they at least continued his benefits for six months. 'you know anyone who hires felons?' i tell him of a church around the corner and their non-profit that hires high school kids and guys out of prison...wishing i could give a definite response, or walk him through the process somewhere, or hire him myself. we chatted some more about an apt that had said to him, you and your girl can move in here, then ran a background check and said she can stay, but he can't...
'well, i'll let ya get back to work.'
'i'm nick man, what's your name.'
'i'm e_____.' we did the one hand shake-hug thats a commonplace greeting and i said, 'lemme pray real quick.' as we finished praying and we did the hand shake-hug we heard...'i want in. brothers, i want in'
Up walks a woman who lives around the corner and works at the local elementary school. she's on her way to court to be with her daughter who's in 'a little bit of something that starts with an s and ends with a t and could be headed to prison' she tells us through tears. so we grab hands...and e______ begins to pray for her...praying as best as he knows how, and its beautiful....
Around 3:30 in the afternoon, i head to her house, ring the doorbell and she smiles as she answers...no prison, probation with community service that can get reduced if she goes after that GED. she's so happy as she looks at me and says, 'prayer works.' oh, and she's Buddhist....

changes

2010-03-19T09:21:00.000-07:00

changes, whenever i hear that word, i instantly think of 2 songs, tupac's changes (caution on explicitness) and lecrae's change...they have no connection for this post, but now i've put some cool links into the post so maybe you'll keep reading, you will, right?

been thinking about some changes in live...i've entered my thirtieth year of my brief existence on this spinning ball of dirt. so i've begun to examine my life, my health, my discipleship and decided some changes need made. i've started making a few and i'll take some time over the next few weeks/months to write about them. first one is the 30 by 30 link at the top of the blog. check it out...change number one is my weight. and this time i want it to be a complete lifestyle change, change what/how i eat, change how often i exercise (which would start by doing something/anything :) )...i don't want to write about this again when i'm turning 40, i want it to start and stay...so, click the link at the top of my blog and check out my journey to droppin a few l-b's as my dad calls him...dad, you want in?

bonehead

2010-03-08T19:49:00.000-08:00

i have a sweet tooth and love greasy food...i also am in horrible shape...see the connection. walking into 7-11 or Burger joint would be a bonehead move if i were told i needed to lose weight. putting yourself in a position that tends to cause you problems is a bonehead move. if you had been accused of stealing, walking into an store with a large empty bag would be a bonehead move. if you were being accused of being an alcoholic, hanging out at a bar while declaring your innocence would be a bonehead move.

so please, PLEASE, PLEASE someone explain what this bonehead was doing?! Jemele is right. why bar hopping in a college town was seen as an ok, smart, fine thing to do is beyond me. i get it, that's what young single rich guys do...i guess...but when you are 6' 5", 241lbs and play quarterback for probably the most well known and loved NFL franchise (call me biased, i don't care, find me a city w/o a Steelers bar and then we can talk); blending in, hiding out won't be an option. i bleed black and gold, always will...but Big Ben...you're a bonehead

this morning's text...

2010-03-07T09:52:00.000-08:00

So we are looking at the temptation of Christ this morning at the gathering...my dad shared about his convo with my old pastor back in the 'burgh, Ken Culbertson, and his sermon/teaching on the passage and it peeked my interest. And since we are in the midst of Lent, when we remember Christ's temptation...it seemed fitting. Following Christ's baptism in Matthew 3, when voice from heave said, "This is My beloved Son, in whom I am well-pleased." We find Christ entering the wilderness, being led by the Spirit and facing the tempter.

The temptation that seems to be the foundation of them all is the temptation to be make your life about you and who you are...rather than about being who you have to be to complete your mission, rather than submitting to the will of the Father and fulfilling your purpose within the Trinity. There's more up front temptations: prove it to yourself, prove it to others, do it quicker and easier, be relevant, be spectacular, be powerful. But if you reduce it down to the fundamental temptation, Satan tries to get Christ to make his life on earth about himself and separate him from his mission and the trinity. If you are the Son of God, go ahead turn the stones into bread, your hungry right? Come on, if you are the Son of God, take a quick leap off the highest tower, let everyone see your being saved by the angels so they can believe too. Show off a little. I can give you what your mission is going to result in, but do it quicker and without that whole death thing...ya know, power over everything...

All of our temptations revolve around our looking out for ourselves and not placing ourselves under the Lordship of Christ. The temptation to eat when fasting is not so much a temptation to eat because we are hungry, but a temptation to rely on our decision to eat rather than the providence of God. A temptation to react in anger is because we feel like we have been violated...we are not fully confident in our identity as children of God...we don't trust God to handle the situation, so we have to act out. Temptation towards drugs, drink, porn, money, to distract ourselves with TV, facebook, and the like rather than engage the world around us is purely about self and our need to care for ourself because we don't think God can.

...and even in this moment, i react in annoyance, because I have been bothered, because my thinking and prep was interrupted by my wife who was trying to help....Lord have mercy.

Christ's countering the temptations rests on one thing...on the written and revealed Word of God. I'm sure the fact that the Spirit was present was a great strength giver...but for every question, poke, temptation, Christ responds with scripture. Christ doesn't even rely on his own strength to say no, but rather goes to the power of what is written to defend against temptations.

how many of us have walked into a situation where temptation is probably going to be present and thought, 'i got this. can't nobody hold me down.' and walked away, head down wondering where we went wrong...maybe it was before that temptation had shown up, it was walking under the pretense and false sense of our lack of need for God. when we entered the situation, we had already fallen because we thought we didn't need God...

think i'll close this with a tweet from twitturgies that just came across:

I do not seek to be an overcomer so much as to be overcome by you God. Conquer me completely. Knock me off my feet.

amen

harlot for a trend

2010-02-28T21:10:00.000-08:00

readin through the first part of Jeremiah and i find myself wishing i had picked a different book to start readin through...

the accusations against Israel are harsh...'for on every high hill and under every green tree you have lain down as a harlot'. preach on that, i dare ya. i read it and i hear the indictments that YHWH passes down on Israel and i wonder what hills and trees have been my chosen place to lay down...football was a definite hill at one point, but i feel like these days sometimes that hill is the latest trend, or latest trend that says its against trends but within a matter of weeks, months it becomes the trend so now i am not about that trend but am now about the next non-trend trend. i become wrapped up in non-essentials that slowly draw me away from Christ...even within Christendom, we do this, we find the cool thing, be it missional, emergent, non-denominational, traditions, rediscovering ancients rituals...these begin to become something we would die for when the only thing we should die for is the Christ who died for us.

sorry, again its a bit ranty...but seriously, i want to not act compassionately because thats the cool thing, but to truly be compassionate...i want to not do it differently because it makes me look good, but because God would have it be different...i want to not be wrapped up in actions and appearances, but be wrapped up in Christ...

...on a sporty note, 4 on 4 overtime hockey in the Olympics was incredible...NHL take note. even with the Canadians winning, that was great hockey...plus sid the kid scored the game winner, so, yeah, Go Pens. and i think eli is ready to play hockey or the ufc...kids got a chin, he head-butted mandy's knee and laughed...crazy

may the God who saves us be the God over our everyday, every moment, and every breath.

bring it on

2010-02-25T22:48:00.000-08:00

so much going on in this little brain of mine. there seems to be a constant challenge to think about what we/i should be doing, how it should/could be done, and in what way i should/could be doing it. at this point you are probably thinking, huh? me too. lots of stuff going on, lots of questions, challenges, joys, excitement, frustration...ya know, that crazy thing we call life.

its been great these last few weeks that in the midst of all of this stuff...there has been a Peace that has allowed me to continue walking, to continue moving forward. there is a Peace that allows me to sit back, look at everything and say, 'welcome to life. nothing to worry about here.' when do you think we received the illusion that life should be easy...that when things happen that are hard we should immediately take the victim stance and say, 'this isn't going to keep me down.' or 'whyyyyyyyyyy meeeeeee????' why not say, yup, this stuff will come, its a part of life, let keep moving forward....bring it on

my bed is calling, so this rant has ended, good night, and may the God of all creation provide peace in the midst of chaos, hope in the midst of the desert, and love in the midst of struggle. good night.

our little thank you pray-er

2010-02-16T20:21:00.000-08:00

so i wanna share something with you that happened last night...

every night before we eat dinner we all hold hands and pray. the prayer is usually pretty short, i'll say, Dear Jesus, Thank you for our family and our food, Amen. and then the boys will yell AMEN! Well, last night we went to hold hands and Domer said, 'Pray?' 'I said yup and before I could start, here is what transpired...

"Jesus thank you food. thank you family. thank you food and books."

At this point Mandy and I looked at each other and smiled. Now, I am convinced Eli saw our smile, because he chimed in...(dom in bold, eli in italics)

"thank you toys"
"thank you toys"

"thank you house"
"thank you house"

"thank you food"
"thank you food"

"thank you mommy chair"
"thank you mommy chair"

"thank you daddy chair"
"thank you daddy chair"

(all i can see/hear are damon wayans and jim carrey as the tele-evangelists from In Living Color at this point, come on nick, hold it together...hey, you too, mandy)

"thank you eli chair"
"thank you e-i chair"

"thank you chance"
"thank you chance"

"thank you aluloolo food"
"thank you allull food"

and Mandy said, "Amen"
AMEN
AMEN

'daddy, dinner please'

you got it.

...sleep...

2010-02-09T20:58:00.000-08:00

mandy was sick today...she caught what eli richard was gettin over. i hear it comes with the territory. so, i left work mad early to come home to 'save her'. about an hour later i was wondering who would save me? all you stay at home moms out there...big ups. single parents, HUGE ups. these two boys were so excited daddy was home and when we locked mommy into her room to sleep it was like they said, 'lets see if dad knows all mom's boundaries'. i did...but good night, i'm worn out. what if i touch this? what if i throw that? what if I push him? what if I hit you? trying to cook dinner with them BEGGING for food or for me to go back to throwing them on the couch put me on the edge of speaking rather loudly to 'stop it, just stop it'....thankfully, there was that lil nudge reminding me of my stewardship responsibilities to these boys and i kept my trap shut...

...i listened to 2 sermons in the last few weeks by Eric Mason out at Epiphany Fellowship in Philly, (brother can BRING IT!) One on Psalm 24, the other on the second parable of Matthew 25. And while we were working through Matthew 25 here, both sermons jacked me up! i'm a steward, check that, a slave of Christ. what i got, i don't really got...it's not mine...i'm a steward of it; this computer, my dog, our car, my wife, these boys...

...oh how my world is changing, my prayer life, my relationships...i don't wanna mess with the master's stuff...but i'm not gonna bury it either

the boys

2010-02-05T08:31:00.000-08:00

so its been a few weeks, so i thought i'd share a bit about life and what i'm thinking about...

first, these boys are ridiculous...dom has started asking the 'why' question, although not always at times that make sense...'dom, would you like some fish crackers?' 'why?'. he also continues to find ways to tell me he doesn't want me to leave for work....i'm so glad he wants me around; makes me assume I'm doing something right...

eli richard is hilarious!! he comes up with new looks all the time, doing anything to make us laugh...he also copies us as the craziest times. whenever mandy or i get frustrated and grunt...he grunts, even if we are frustrated with him; talk about disarming...if we say something in a funny voice, he'll say that same thing in an attempt to copy the voice...he's even begun to find ways to copy dom...which aggravates dom sometimes. and they both like to copy Swiper the fox...'ah, man' eli richard has also started this thing with me before bed. we read books and as we lay on the couch before we head in, he says, 'daddy, kiss?'. he gives me a kiss then backs up and kisses me on the nose. ahh...i love these two...

God is continuing to prune me. it hurts. not a day goes by where i am not reminded of my need for the cross, for Christ. i'm thankful for it. i dont ever want to portray and have the idea that i'm 'farther forward' on this journey of discipleship...and i don't ever want to think that my position has anything to do with my own strength and ability. i found myself singing And Can It Be at work this week...my dad's fav...and i still can not sing 'my chains fell off, my heart was free' without being overcome with a deep sense of gratitude and desire to give back this gift i've been given. which inevitably leads to a challenge to be on mission more. we've been in the second half of 2 Cor 5 as a community and i cannot tell you how much i have been challenged by Paul's ministry of reconciliation, what that means for his relationship with the Corinthians and what that means for myself and our community within the community we have been placed...

...that's about it...3 weeks and one day til the greatest day of the year...

intimacy

2010-01-17T21:14:00.000-08:00

something i'm learning more and more about intimacy is that the deeper and deeper you go, the more and more all your junk is laid out there. maybe that's why surface relationships are the kinds we most often have. i don't like my junk being put out there. i prefer to live under the illusion that i'm ok and you're ok....or maybe that's i'm ok and you've got issues. not that i believe i've got my ish together, trust me, i don't...but i think i'd rather keep it from becoming a part of our relationship. but if we travel down the path of intimacy, our 'lacking', our 'dirt', will be laid bare for the other to see.

and if it is true intimacy, that 'dirt', that 'lacking', will be accepted with the rest of you...maybe that's why intimacy is something we all so deeply long for...to have someone know us so completely and fully that we have no need to hide where we are still growing, where will still have to confess our need for Someone greater...

...on another note...whenever i get to hang out with just eli richard, he inevitably asks where mom is and where dom is and before i even have a chance to answer he says, 'mommadom'. his way of saying mom is with dom. and then he says it a few more times; mommadom. mommadom. mommadom. and now you're saying it too...aren't you

wow...100 posts!

2010-01-14T11:47:00.000-08:00

So as i signed in to write my next piece of rambling and randomness, i saw that i had just posted my 100th post on the previous one. i feel like there should be some kind of milestone celebration, like I am supposed to write about my top ten of my previous 100 posts, or like i'm supposed to make a big deal that i've posted 100 times. but i didn't, and i won't...but by saying i won't, am i not then making a big deal of it, am i not doing that now? i think i am, i'm going to stop now...

...being sick stinks. i spent yesterday in bed and still feel a bit like i should be in bed today. yesterday domer looked at me after asking if i could pick him up and my saying i couldn't cause i was sick; he says, 'no daddy sick'. yeah, wish it was that easy...how i wish i could just say something and make it so. that's dom's favorite...maybe if i say no to this or yes to that, then it will be so...'no dommy bed' or 'yes dommy read books' or 'no dommy time out' or 'no daddy work' or 'no mommy go to the store' or 'yes dommy watch tv'. how wonderful it would be to speak something and have it be true...but don't we all know that what is reality is what we live out...how we live speaks to what is. we say this, or say we believe something, but often our lives then deny those very words.

on a random note, football is almost over and mandy made me promise i wouldn't go into my normal post-football depression :) i think its going to be much easier this year because a part of me has already become connected to the Blazers and i'm enjoying the bball season, i love watching these guys play...and this city loves its team, RIP CITY baby...whatever that means...can any of my Portland friends explain it to me?

what world you livin in

2010-01-04T22:40:00.000-08:00

it's late, so this may not make sense, but i've been thinking about this all day...

every morning at work, when i'm the only one there, i listen to podcasts; the thundering herd, bs report, mars hill (grand rapids), epiphany fellowship, or sanctuary covenant church. this morning i listened to a sermon from mars hill and skye jethani was the speaker and his topic was an eye for an eye from the sermon on the mount (click to download). he spoke of how anyone who reads this exhortation to turn the other cheek for the first time is thinking, 'what world did this guy live in? in this world living like that will get ya killed.' and yeah it got jesus crucified. but using an illustration from Dr. Martin Luther King's life, Skye began to share that in a world where we understand that God is with us, it causes this statement to make sense. if God is with us, if God is with me, then what shall i fear? it was the reassurance that God would be with MLK that gave him the strength to continue forward no matter the threats made on his life and family. skye even took it to the next level of if God is with us, then how we live would change...rather than seeking our own safety, we would begin to think of and live for the other person...even the one persecuting us...

as i continued picking up trash from around the neighborhood, i was forced to reflect on this type of world, one in which God was fully present. after this sermon, Lauryn Hill's song 'To Zion' came on...and while my mind was still fully digesting the words in the sermon, the song caused my mind to drift into the matrix...the movie, not the actual matrix. in the matrix movies, 'zion' was their place of safety, their home, the place they retreated to when the machine's would attack (which the machine's made it there anyway)...

...what if we came to the realization that the world we live in could be our 'zion'...our place of safety, because in our world, God is present...we live in a 'God with us' world (not in the 'with us, not you' sense...cause that's just silly)...the incarnation shows us that this is the world we now reside in. what if we fully allowed that realization to shape our interactions with the rest of the world, how do they change? is there anything to fear? anything that could cause anxiety? worry? what would we have to retreat from? would we have to retreat to anywhere?

take a moment, ask yourself, do you live in a 'God-with-us' world....

in ten years

2009-12-30T16:26:00.000-08:00

domer: hey dad

yeah buddy?

domer: you always say you know God wanted us to be a family.

yeah domer, there's no doubt.

domer: how do you know?

you remember how mom took work off for a long time to be at home with you and elijah richard?

domer: yeah..

and do you remember that daddy took 3 weeks of work off so you could get to know him?

domer: yeah, so...

well, that meant mom and dad weren't working for that time...which meant we weren't getting paid...and we were barely making it at that point.

domer: yeah, i remember, then you started working again...

haha, yeah, i did. but ya know what?!

domer: what?

on top of how much we loved you, and how much we all get along and were just so perfect for each other...never...not once did mom and dad run out of money. not once did our account go into negative numbers. not once. remember how dad told you about Abraham and Issac?

domer: yeah...we're not going to a mountain are we??

haha, no buddy...remember how Abraham named the mountain Jehovah Jireh?

elijah richard: that means God provides, right?

yeah, elijah richard, it does. in the midst of not working, and in the midst of mom and dad having no clue how to parent...we were never without during that 6-8 weeks. God provided beyond, BEYOND, anything we could have asked for.

domer: dad?

yeah?

domer: i'm glad.
elijah richard: yeah, i'm glad.

me too guys, i love you.

domer: we love you too dad.
elijah richard: yeah.

...hey...it could happen...

now what

2009-12-26T21:29:00.000-08:00

it's the 26th...Advent has reached it's conclusion...the season of expectation has come and ended...now what? john the baptist says bear fruit in keeping with repentance. i enjoy john...dude's fiery, he's got no problem getting in your face...me, i'll butter ya up for a solid 20 before i work up the courage to confront :). its that straight-forward message that i think we'd all be wise to listen to. it cracks me up how he was called to Prepare the Way for the Lord, to bring every mountain and hill low, and make the rough roads smooth... 'to make ready a people prepared for the Lord'...as if humanity was any kind of ready for what the Christ-child was going to be like...

...and yet some of Christ's disciples, were John's first...when people began to go to Christ, John said, 'he must become greater, i must become less.' maybe, just maybe, that's what now...we bear fruit in keeping with repentance, not that we might make our place secure (as if we could), but because we are called to bear witness to the already-not yet kingdom so that when it comes there have been made ready a people prepared for the Lord...

bear some fruit

hush little baby...

2009-12-23T18:35:00.000-08:00

so the boys like it when we sing them to sleep...now, singing softly for an extended period of time with traditionally short kids songs is a bit difficult. so when i started singing hush little baby, then forgot some of the lyrics, i made up my own...mandy was laughing and said i should share...so here ya go, for your amusement (hopefully)

hush little baby don't say a word
daddy's gonna buy you a mockingbird
and if that mockingbird dont sing
daddy's gonna buy you a diamond ring
and if that diamond ring don't shine
daddy's gonna get you on Whose Line
and if the crowd will not laugh
daddy's gonna get you a giant giraffe
and if that giraffe will not eat
daddy's gonna get a guy with a beat
and if that guy cannot rhyme
daddy's gonna get you a clock to tell time
and if that clock will not tick
daddy's gonna give it a big swift kick
and if by chance daddy does miss
daddy's gonna give you a great big kiss

and in the words of richard...fank you, fank you...

hahaha...i hid it

2009-12-18T11:53:00.000-08:00

so the boys love to drink...milk, what were you thinking? they carry their cups with them everywhere...but they can't have them when we are eating, because they wouldn't eat, they'd just drink. so, during snack time the other day, Dom had finished his snack and we gave him his cup and he says, "where's richard's cup?" Richard responds by sheepishly saying, "my cup". So the search begins...

Richard's cup could be anywhere, in any room, under or on anything. So Mandy and I start searching the living room, their room, the bathroom, under the couch, under the chair, under pillows, in the book box...everywhere. Meanwhile, Richard is saying...no, thats not right, he is now bellowing, "MY CUP" thanks domer. we keep searching, the search has become frantic...pillows flying, blankets landing on Chance's head...toys are dominating the floor even more as we tear the house apart looking. Then Mandy picks up one of their toys and we hear a rattle inside. It's a lunch pail type toy with a farm house painted on the oustide. Domer calls it his treasure chest...sure enough, Richard's cup is inside. As Mandy says, "I found it, it was in Dom's treasure chest, we walk back in to Dom laughing, "I hide it. hahaha."

Nice, you hid it, then became 'concerned' that Richard didn't have his cup and sent us looking...just so he could get his laugh on...

...sounds like something i would've done :)

daddy's right here

2009-12-09T13:51:00.000-08:00

'our friend is here. she came to see all of us. but we're not leaving. mommy and daddy are staying. daddy is going to be with you and you are going to stay with daddy. you're not going anywhere. daddy is right here.'

this is the prep we give to our kids whenever we have visitors come by. i get to about eye level, get real close, grab a hand and begin to speak. he'll make eye contact, listen intently, and sometimes he'll become fixated on a task so as to focus his energy, fear, whatever it may be...sometimes freedom comes. he is free to live, free to laugh and play and show off. its amazing the difference between then and when the reassurance isn't there.

i must say i am blown away at the difference in me when i don't allow my Father's reassurance to be present in my heart and life. things get busy, i don't stay close...maybe i try to go with those 'friends'...and because i've done my own thing, my own way and tried to find my own path on this adventure, i forget, i forget that my Father is present; always, by my side, doing all that is possible to assure me that i can be free, free to live, to laugh and love and play and maybe even show off a bit. what kills me is when i 'try to get back' to the Almighty's side, i feel like i somehow have to earn my adoption rights; as if i had earned them in the first place, or as if it has anything to do with me. i'm so thankful for a God that is present....

...boys, you never, ever have to earn your adoption rights, nothing you can do will ever, EEEEVER take my heart away from you, i am here, i always will be, no matter where you go, what you do, how high you climb, i will be here with you.

lets get dirty

2009-12-05T21:01:00.000-08:00

while many may be expecting a blog on the messiness of my two boys (and they are) because of my recent posts...we aren't going that direction. i've been thinking about a story a classmate shared during undergrad as he spoke in chapel. he told of sharing a room with his little brother and how one day his brother got sick. not just sniffly nose, little bits of snot, cough cough sick...talking, projectile vomit, flowing excrement, whole body sore agony type sick. believe it or not, he went into more detail. then he shared of hearing his brother whimpering at the whole ordeal and the way he tried to help him fall asleep was to crawl out of the bed and lay down next to his brother, in all that mess, and held him.

i'm struck at the absurdity of someone who would choose to enter into another's mess. we love to keep things and others separated. then we give it a nice name, boundaries, and say that its healthy and good. and while, yeah, there should be some, often we place boundaries where they shouldn't be for fear of getting to dirty...or maybe its out of fear of others getting into our own. cause lets be honest...we've all got our messiness, we've all got our dirtiness. what keeps us from entering into one another's mess? what prevents us from fully entering into someone's life that they become a part of our mess?

during this season, i am in awe of a God that would choose to enter into our mess...that would choose to become the least of these, a baby born in a manger, a child who's diaper needed changed...i'm in awe the it was the "Father's good pleasure for all the fullness to dwell in Him". and i'm also reminded of our call...not mine and mandy's, but for us all...to preach as Christ preached and live as Jesus lived...to attempt to be a disciple without seeking to mirror the incarnation through the power of the Holy Spirit results not in a life that brings grace and hope, but a life that keeps us separate, that protects us from another's mess...that prevents us from truly showing the beauty and wonder of the One who came that we might have life.

lets get dirty

highlights from our first week

2009-12-02T08:44:00.000-08:00

so the boys have been here a week, here's some highlights...

Richard's got the look...this look that says, you know i'm cute, so you know I'm going to try and get away with everything, in fact, i might be getting away with something right now and you don't even know, you are SOOO outmatched parental units...he tilts his head down and looks up with a sly smile, oh boy...

Dominick loves everything, Mandy already wrote about this on our adoption blog, but he loves everything, including:
- Richard's shoes on
- Bubbles
- Daddy getting a drink
- the dog outside

Diapers are AWESOME! whenever we change them, finding that it was only number one is like finding a dollar on the ground outside...yes...and if we find it is number two, well that dollar was attached to a string and some big bully is at the other end ready to throw a pile of number two in your face...yeah, that's about right...

skype is saving my sadness from my family not being here to meet the boys, of course, now Dominick thinks everyone on skype is Grammie, but, I guess that's ok...

bedtime is rough and beautiful at the same time, last night i got to rub Dom's head, and whisper about how much I love him and how Jesus loves him and how happy I was that Jesus brought us together...and he just looked at my eyes and drank his cup as he slowly began to fall asleep...

i love these boys. i have to be honest, this whole adoption process has brought a new dimension to my understanding of my adoption through Christ. I think I've written about this before...at any rate, to realize and believe that I have been adopted, that I have been chosen (no matter how Calvinist that sounds) has brought such a deeper love and affection from and for my God. Thank you Jesus...

advent is here

2009-11-27T13:02:00.001-08:00

this is the first moment in a week where life is calm...the boys are sleeping, Mandy's at target, and i'm trying to figure out how/what i'm going to preach on sunday. on this black friday where the anticipation circles around whether or not you'll get one of the $179 HP laptops at Best Buy...i'm left wondering how to share in the excitement of the anticipation of the coming Christ-child and His return.

for months, mandy and i anticipated the day the adoption would take place, i never dreamed it would happen this fast. our adoption worker said she's never seen it happen this fast in ten years...nor did i dream we'd be blessed with such perfect boys. you wait and wait and wait and hope and hope and hope...and nothing we can dream of could produce the reality of what God has in store...

maranatha...

first night

2009-11-26T16:51:00.001-08:00

hey friends...tonight is the first night for our family of FOUR in our new home. going to interesting to see how the boys respond to their new beds. dominick wants to say hi...

sssfgggfg.lknik1xjussas

...HE LOVES TO TYPE, OH, LOOKS LIKE HE PUT THE CAPS LOck on...sorry, i wasn't yelling, i promise. anyway, what normally takes 3 or so weeks has been reduced to 7 days as the boys are home for good...crazy crazy crazy.

sorry this is so short...i'm tired and i get the feeling, this is only the beginning :)

first impressions

2009-11-22T22:29:00.001-08:00

so we met the boyz tonight...wow and wow. their foster mom had been showing them pictures of us that we had sent so that within 25 minutes they had both recognized us and called us dada and mama...and we managed to not wither into a giant puddle of tears :) leaving them tonight was hard, real hard...we helped (read watched) put them to bed then headed to Mandy's folks for the night and just smiled as we relayed every story we could remember...

this was an amazing night...we got to hold them, read them stories, i was a horsey and took them on rides, Domninick told me he loved football...tear...Richard just wanted to be cuddled, and Dominick gave both Mandy and I our first present...Dominick spit water in my face (we were playing) and placed a boogie in Mandy's hand. i think that makes it official.

these next few days are going to be lots of fun, and quite the challenge as the transition continues, but we are blessed beyond measure...as their foster mom said, "i don't think tonight could have gone any better."

it's on like donkey kong

2009-11-18T22:11:00.001-08:00

so, most of you have heard...mandy and i were chosen and given the privilege, honor, gift of parenting two little boys...brothers...insanity...

i cannot even begin to share the level of excitement that was followed by tears of joy, followed by tears of being overwhelmed by grace, followed by the inevitable deer in the headlights...and some serious joy again!!! i can't believe this, but its on, trucks and cars...its on. mud fights...its on. food out the ying-yang...its on. football...its SO on. i cannot wait to take them to a football game, a monster truck rally, all you can eat Chinese buffet.

and i cannot wait to introduce them to our family...not mom and dad (although i'm stoked, and a lil bummed it'll be through skype)...but the koinoniaPDX family, they are so excited with us, and so many of them know how they will get to be a part of these boys lives for a loooooooooooooong time.

as far as pictures of the boys go...they're coming, have to stay within the realm of legality and safety, so not yet...but they're coming. be praying for this time of transition....this is gonna be fun...

embrace the mystery

2009-11-08T07:59:00.000-08:00

i'm a math geek. its what i loved in high school and through most of college...until we started talkin 4th dimensions in Modern Algebra...sorry Dr. Constantine. but i loved math because there was a system to it, a system that produced specific results. 2+2=4 always. to find the derivative of x^n all you have to do is make it n*x^(n-1). always, the system always worked. i realized this morning that in some ways i'm still searching for God's system. the system that is going to produce in me the desired result of being nearer to God and more like the Son. i have to pray the right prayers in the right order, and read the right amount of scriptures and desert fathers...

i've had about 3 different prayers or passages of scriptures that i've tried to make my initiative in prayer from Thomas a' Kempis, Philippians, Mother Theresea, this morning i found @twitturgies on Twitter and said, here's my new one...

there's just one problem. God doesn't have a system...God is love, God asks for love and there is definitely, DEFINITELY no system to love...and if there is, Mandy will agree that I haven't figured that system out yet. God is mystery, and mysteries are most definitely not a system...there is a dynamic beauty and fluidity to God that cannot be described by a system of prayers or study...no relationship can. sure there are helps...but the very intent of embracing a system to God inevitably results in a system that will either fail or replace God...there has to come a point where we can embrace the mystery of a God that would seek to be healer in our brokenness by entering into our brokenness; not just fixing it. there is mystery in a God that is one and three and one and three. rather than seeking to solve the mystery, lets wish to become a part of the mystery..how i desire to get lost in that mystery

maybe that's why i hit the wall in Modern Algebra, i couldn't embrace the mystery...

and its only half-over

2009-10-29T08:34:00.001-07:00

wow...what a week it has been...

let's run it from the beginning; starting with Sunday

So, Sunday, preached on baptism. we looked at Acts 8, Philip and the Ethiopian, as well as Matthew 3, Christ's baptism. what a wonderful morning it was reflecting on God's desire for baptism; there was water on a desert road, enough for a man to be baptized in...and the whole Trinity showed up for Christ's baptism...I'd say God was fond of it. At the end of the gathering I welcomed anyone to join me in being baptized next week after our sunday gathering...5 people. So this coming sunday, in a few days, we're going to have our first baptism service. be on the look out for different pictures and such. (if you aren't on my update email list and wanna be, let me know, that's where they'll be

sent).

so we left the building and i went home and plopped myself on the couch to watch Vikings-Steelers. It had been a great morning and I could not wait to sit and relax and watch my Steelers.

'Nick, I think i left my phone at the cottage.' Mandy says to me.

'Here's the keys babe, have fun.' was my response as there was absolutely nothing that was going to get me off the couch. Shortly after that, Mandy hadn't left yet, Mendenhall fumbles on the four and the Vikings start to drive and Mandy says...

'Look, they were doing better without you watching, come with me.' Wow, now I wear the same jersey and hat and sit in the same place on the couch when the Steelers are winning, stupid I know, but Mandy had never used that stuff for any reason.

'Fine.' So we drive up to the cottage, a whopping 3 minutes away, and while driving Mandy apologizes for taking me away from the game and i grunt in response... apparently the joy of a pending baptism service had vanished into thin air...once we reach the cottage I reach for the radio to try and find ESPN radio or something hoping it was on, when she says...

'Will you come in with me?' Seriously?! So I get out, close the door with authority, hearing my dads voice telling me not to slam the door. When we reach the cottage door, its unlocked to my horror and we walk in and "SURPRISE! HAPPY PASTOR'S APPRECIATION MONTH!" The smell of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, chocolate cake and coffee filled the air...i was shocked and thankful...i love my family. And the Steelers won with defense. :)

Wow...that was just Sunday...I still have to share about how one of our friends who has looked out for us more than any other since we moved here managed to find a way to get us a brand new radiator for our car, and then install it himself for free! Our Blazer would overheat within 45 seconds...the radiator was cracked and Ron Casner made some phone calls and got a hold of Terry Mostul from 1st Church and Terry's shop hooked us up...then Ron spent 3.5 hours installing it himself. All while we drove one of his cars to work and other meetings. Thanks Ron. Plus I had Red Robin AND Claim Jumper during this week too...sheesh...i could take plenty more of these kinds of weeks...and its only half-over

today

2009-10-25T08:13:00.001-07:00

so today's a big day...and not just cause the 4-2 Steelers are playing the 6-0 Vikings...although I'm really hopin the D steps up against their Offense and the the injuries to Winfield and co. allow Hines, Holmes, Heath, and Wallace to have free reign in the secondary...

...naw, today's a big day because this morning, as the church gathers, we are going to think about baptism...in preparation i listened to a sermon from Bethany First about baptism and he shared a quote from an NT Wright book that I want to share with my friends near and far this morning.

"Baptism is not magic, a conjuring trick with water. But neither is it simply a visual aid. It is one of the points, established by Jesus himself, wehre heaven and earth interlock, where new creation, resurrection life, appears within the midst of the old."

That's Six!

2009-10-24T17:22:00.000-07:00

so our very first Manna Truck is next weekend! We are so very excited! We've spent the last month visiting families along with a sister church, getting information sent to Northwest Children's Outreach, collecting all kinds of hygiene and cleaning products...our garage has become quite the little convenience store :) Mandy took a group of 5 down to NCO to help gather the clothing for the families and they had an absolute blast this week!

Today we gathered at the old building (which might be sold, say a prayer) in order to sort everything. We got the names of the families put around the wall so we could get clothes sorted and bags for cleaning and hygiene together. I'll tell you what, there have been some times in the last few weeks we've wondered if we'd have enough...and there is only 6 families...the economy is killer. As we started getting things organized, I'd start to hear, "THAT'S SIX!" 6 containers of Comet, 6 containers of Windex, 6 roles of toilet paper, 6 sets of sponges...an abundance of toothbrushes and toothpaste. Thank you Jesus!

We know 6 isn't a lot, but right now, when money is tight for EVERYONE...six seems like a million. Praise God!

adoption update

2009-10-20T06:56:00.000-07:00

Here's the latest post on the adoption blog from Mandy...

you know, as I shared with the family last sunday, this whole process...especially last monday...has really increased my awareness of my own adoption in Christ. to be chosen without having done anything to deserve it; and to be loved for nor good reason other than love is who God is...i'm so unworthy...

...thank You for loving me

Latest update on missional living in NoPo

2009-10-07T15:32:00.000-07:00

UPDATE TIME!! Hey everyone, it's about time I took a second to fill you in on the goings-on of life out here in North Portland. I'm continually amazed at God's teaching, God's timing, God's challenging...just at God and how God is moving out here; what a joy it is to be a part of it.

What's been going on?

Quite simply, a lot. Our Sunday Gatherings are going strong, our family has grown to about 14 each week and we are really enjoying sharing our stories of hope and in worship with one another. It's been a challenge for me personally to prepare a sermon each week because of the personal challenges that come with attempting to bring a message from God, as well as it's just something new...but the faithfulness of God has resulted in all kinds of challenges for our family as well as in God's own glory. We had our final cook-out a week ago, and while Mandy and I are thankful to take a break from it until the weather turns back into our favor...I'm going to miss it. We had at least 60 different people come through our backyard and eat a hot dog, hamburger, chicken, ribs and more throughout the summer and we hope to see even more come through next summer. We are currently working on a replacement for the cook-outs so we don't lose our chances for new relationships. The Manna Truck ministry is getting ready to have it's inaugural visit to New Columbia at the end of this month. We are so excited and cannot wait for this chance to bring a bit of manna to our neighbors, pray that God would receive all the glory and honor because of it. Our Ladies DCAF group that Mandy has been leading is continue to offer challenges for the ladies that get together to study God's word and encourage one another. And my job is keeping me busy; I'm up to 30 hours down at New Columbia, but the new relationships I've started to build are worth it, I'm blessed to be able to have a 'job' that provides a way for me to fulfill the Mission.

What's coming?

Thanksgiving, Christmas, and everything that comes with that, there is the possibility of us being able to join with other churches in the community and we are extremely excited about that. We are preparing the Manna Truck and ways to extend serving during those times, and we are looking to start a leadership team type meeting with a few members of our family, so pray for those things.

We still are earnestly praying for more workers and God is beginning to raise up our family members to become more a part of the mission. If you are looking for more ways to be a part of God's specific mission out here on top of prayer, check out the section below. And if you'd rather not receive this email, just lemme know...I don't want to crowd anyone's inbox.

Believing that the God who has called us, is the God who is making the kingdom here on earth as it is in heaven,

___

Nick Mucci

pastor

971.340.0714

http://koinoniapdx.blogspot.com

- LCD Projector

- Funds for Manna Truck
- Musically Gifted Disciples
- Financial Support
If you are interested in meeting any of these needs, feel free to contact me

star-gazing

2009-10-02T15:45:00.000-07:00

so last sunday night at our weekly cook-out we had some kids there, as usual, and i was goofing off with a very active four year old in an intense game of keep away with a pear...yeah, a pear...and as the intensity grew to where punches and kicks and elbows started flying (i promise none of them were mine), i decided it was time to calm down, so i pointed to the first star that had emerged and the young guy looked up and laid down on my chest and we began staring up at the sky...soon my 3 year old buddy (even though he speaks spanish, we love hanging out) comes and lays down next to me and a 9 year old girl joins us as we begin to point out every star and airplane that flew over-head while parents and friends watched...

...i can't wait to be a dad...

and just in case you think i'm romanticizing parenthood, my job requires me to be walking outside doing odd jobs after school gets out. and as the kids walk home from the local elementary school there is a group that invariably finds me and begins the Why-marathon...Why are you doing? Why'd they tell you to do it? Why do you do it? Do you like it? How much you get paid? Can I do it? Why not? Can anyone else do it? Why don't you do something else? Why do you do what your boss tells you?

...i still can't wait to be a dad...

redemptive moment

2009-09-29T21:48:00.001-07:00

hey everyone, i know i said i'd post on last weeks sermon, and i'll do that in a minute, but i wanted to speak on what just happened on Biggest Loser...

so, this lady got control of the weigh-in and basically told everyone one thing, and then did something else to set her team up and keep herself safe. the end result was 2 teams in the bottom that everyone really seems to like, especially with one person who really needs to be there, and everyone knows that...anyway, when they went to discuss the vote and appeal for themselves the red team said, send us home, we all know that she needs to be here, we have support at home, send us. One of the guys said the greatest thing someone can do is self-sacrifice, so we want to do that.

to go from extremely selfish acts to quite the redemptive moment was hopeful for me...

anyway, here's what transpired in preparing for service last week. i was preaching on community, coming from the passage in Philippians 2.1-4 about unity in the body because of the gifts we've received. The morning i was getting ready to prepare, i received a text message from a brother in Christ, basically telling me i was participating in 'ungodly' things and that we needed to talk before we could hang out again... that was my good morning text message...not exactly the best way to start my day, let alone my time in preparing for a sermon on unity in the body, united in spirit and purpose, i went and spoke with him and not much was resolved; i missed the memo to come prepared for a debate on what i perceive as merely preferences and non-essentials...i left hurt, sad, and a bit angry; all while wondering how I'd get myself focused and separated from that to fully engage the Word...

...i am thankful for a God that is bigger than my issues; our service was wonderful on Sunday, we all celebrated eucharist together, we all prayed together, we all rejoiced together, what a gift the church is. i am thankful for this family that is desiring to love God and neighbor through community and compassion.

did it again...

2009-09-25T12:53:00.000-07:00

man, i'll tell ya what, here's another week where I'm trying to prepare a message calling people towards the God who made and saved them, preparing a message to encourage and exhort and God takes time to use that message and life situations to challenge my resolve to be found in Christ and in the truth of the message to be preached. I'll post later this weekend on the content of the message, but I am so truly amazed at how God is not satisfied with purely fancy words and right thought or right belief, but in a life that is lived that brings glory to the name of Christ, in a life that is lived transformed and renewed.

i'll be back with message notes for those interested, but for now, say a prayer that i can place myself under the Truth and not create my own truth.

2009-09-13T08:11:00.001-07:00

i did not like preparing for this weeks message. in the midst of dealing with a thief coming to our house, insurance agents, trying to find if there can be a replacement, i've been seeking to get some kind of message together on what it means to love God.

i thought about Jesus saying if you love me then obey my commands, i thought about 1 John saying if you love God, you love your brother...but God brought me to 2 passages. Abraham's offering of Isaac and Jesus speaking with Peter after the resurrection. rather than boring you with the details and clever illustrations I attempted to come up with...bottom line came to this...

to love God is to allow God to reign over every aspect our lives...including our very selves. Peter was in self-preservation mode when he denied, he needed to be shown that loving Jesus means puttin Christ's sheep first and allowing Christ to lead him. Abraham needed to not trust in Isaac but trust in YHWH who gave Isaac.

here's the point i came to...i don't trust Christ enough. not with my time, not with me...i fear what others will say, think or how they will treat me, i fear not getting things done, i fear not getting 'downtime' (is there even supposed to be downtime?) if I truly desire to love God, be loved by God and make the love of God known...then i need to surrender myself, my things...my will...

i've never read Purity of the Heart is to Will One Thing by Sören Kierkegaard...but it might be time, although i may have a good idea what it's going to say...

...so, there, that's our morning at koinoniaPDX, that's my confession, and my prayer is that I can free myself to trust and love my God completely...

what a day

2009-09-10T21:02:00.000-07:00

wow, today was crazy...let's start in the early, early morning...

Somewhere around 2 in the morning Chance starts growling and barked...Mandy woke up to see him in our room facing the doorway and now growling again. He typically comes in and makes noises when he wants outside or something...he didnt appear interested in that suggestion, so Mandy just stayed in bed. a short time later she heard a noise, woke up and asked me if i had heard it...being sound asleep i made some kind of incoherent noise and Mandy laid back down.

I got up at 6 and was getting ready for work when i realized our living room window was propped open FAR more than we had left it...and my cell phone, pocket pc, and keys were now missing.

the short story is someone broke in, while we were sleeping, took those items, left Mandy's phone and purse and was scared away by our dog...and i slept through it, me, the bad sleeper...

so we call the cops and our insurance agent and everything is gonna be ok, because it was just stuff and stuff is replaceable. Our insurance company is actually going to pay for a locksmith to come and re-key our doors, in case you were curious...

the day went on and as i was getting ready for the Steelers our neighbors came over because they wanted to share with me how they had experienced God today. so beautiful...ya see, they had gone downtown to see the woman's brother and decided to stop at Goodwill. There was a man out front with a sign that read Any change helps, will work for food. They began talking and the man said he would do some work for them...they are currently unemployed, so there's nothing they could do on that end. he mentioned to them he was hoping to get a different pair of pants because he had work tomorrow. so, my unemployed neighbors bought him a $10 pair of pants at Goodwill and gave it to him on the way out. "He was doing flips he was so happy, Nick" Jeff said. Now, on their way home they came across a couch, in pretty good shape, and had remembered her brother's friend needed one. So they called her brother, he confirmed and they loaded their truck up with the couch to take it back downtown. And the person paid them $15. "Nick, God gave us the $10 back, plus more! Isn't that awesome!" Yes, yes it is...

So, the Steeler game gets going, Ben starts out shaky, Polamalu is playing like a beast before he gets hurt, but things level out. We've got tons of people over and our doorbell rings...so we yell, come on in...

In walks our neighbors from 2 doors down. Now, we've done all that we can to love on them. he and i have sat and talked about marriage and work struggles, but we haven't been able to convince them to come to a cook-out yet. So Tony and Margo and their 2 youngest walked in...with a box and a card. The box is full of all kinds of foods and the card says 'Deepest Sympathy' on the front, colored with what appear to be tears, and on the inside it says, '...to your family. Nick and Mandy (and doggy!) Sorry that had happened to you guys or anyone! You're awesome people. Wishing you the safest luck from here on out! Sincerely, Margo, Tony and the 3 kiddos!' Another neighbor had told them about last night and they wanted to come show their care. Inside the card was a $20 bill. Praise God! Not for the $20...i wasn't worried about that...praise God that we had connected ENOUGH with them to cause them to want to check on us

And then Hines Ward fumbled, neighbors down the street heard us all yell, checked on us...31 yd. field goal, Steelers win...I go to bed...

the nursery line

2009-08-27T14:22:00.001-07:00

so we met with our adoption worker yesterday...she's awesome. elizabeth, thats her name in case you were wondering, came and hung out at our house to check that our smoke alarms were working, that we had a fire extinguisher (we actually have 4; we've been told our house was once a drug house), and things were relatively clean...she told us not to go crazy cleanin...

...so we went crazy cleaning! cleaned out the garage and had to really get the child's future room ready. So we were cleaning out my office, which is the child's future room, and while doing so, i said to Mandy, "Sweets (cute huh), we are probably going to need to get the Steelers box out of the attic." First, yeah, i have a Steelers box for all my Steeler stuff, so what. Second, what followed after that statement can only be called a small miracle, Mandy said,

"why? we could have a Steelers nursery, ya know?" and the bells rang, angels sang, and my Aunt Judy got her wings (you know she had something to do with that)

after i awoke from the shock-induced coma, i stared at her in disbelief. now whether or not that actually happens, i'm giving it 100:1 odds, what a blessed man i am that my WIFE would put that idea on the table as an option! how did i get so lucky?! i cannot wait to be called dad to her mom.

and by that i mean, called dad just as she is called mom, as complements...not called the dad of her mom...cause that would just be weird...

2 weeks til kick-off!!

(images from HGTV.com)

...our most recent update...

2009-08-20T16:47:00.000-07:00

Good morning, afternoon, or evening...whenever this update finds I you, I pray it finds you well. I apologize I did not get you an update before last week...what was last week? Last Sunday, 2 days ago, was our first Sunday Gathering...we are renting a little cottage in one of the largest parks on the Peninsula each and every week! It has been a blessing, based on cost, location, everything, and they have decided to not charge us for set-up or tear-down time! WAHOO!!! Here we during the morning spending time in song, bringing ourselves before God in worship. It was a wonderful morning! We spent time talking of resurrection and how the resurrection of Christ has led us into this place of starting a new church community. We had 3 different cultures represented that morning and we are so excited about the future of our family, we are looking forward to adding new family members and cultures each week! It was wonderful to watch every one stick around for 20 minutes after service to just talk...and then all come together later in the evening for the cook-out...good to know they are not tired of each other!

Please continue to pray for us, for as we embark on this new journey, new needs and challenges arise. Two of our most pressing needs are a projector for the words to music...and someone far more capable in music than I...last thing we need is for the family to get stuck staring at

me ALL morning...plus my abilities don’t really extend past one genre :).

We’ve also received good news as we’ve entered into a partnership of sorts with another ministry here in Portland and we are moving forward to provide the Manna Truck in New Columbia in partnership with Bridgetown Ministries. They will provide us with the truck they typically use at their other site and connect us with they network...but we will be running it!We are hopeful for this opportunity to share the love of God with our neighbors and hopefully open new doors to share the reason for our Hope! Be in prayer as we continue to try and find ways to serve God’s creation and cross cultural and social barriers that we’ve created as fallen humanity!

On a personal note, we are continuing to move forward through the adoption process, the home study has begun! Say a prayer for our son/daughter who could be out there somewhere right now, pray they are cared for and safe.

Have hope with us! We are excited for the path that lies in front of us. God is moving and preparing us for what lies ahead, whatever that may be...we must continue to remain faithful, no matter what. Consider how you might be able to be a part of this work...God’s work...we aren’t creating anything...just jumping on God’s bandwagon...jump with us!

...its back...

2009-08-18T14:07:00.000-07:00

Football is back baby. I was talking with my father-in-law on saturday and i was talking about football and he asked if i had already said good-bye to baseball...i informed him i had never said hello...sorry baseball...you are just too boring for me...

...so i'm gettin all geeked up, ready for this season and enter the Big Ben bombshell...whether or not the man is guilty; and who knows...he put himself in this situation i'm guessing with a bad decision in interacting with this woman...not exactly what i was hoping for for the defending champs...

...preseason starts, DT goes into the Hall of Fame, one of the greatest OLBs who did so many wonderful things in KC and deserved it...

...then today, $10-12 mill....really Minny? really? A 41 yr old QB who fell apart at the end of the season, who has a documented partially torn rotator cuff...that's your solution? really? I mean i know you've all "All-Day" and all...but really? This is your hope, paying this dude this much money for half-a-season and almost no timeto prepare for the half he'll be at 90% for?? Favre...you're ruining the start of football for me...please, stay retired...let us remember you for the gun-slin....who i am kidding, that ended with the Jets...thanks Favre...

beautiful simplicity

2009-08-17T06:04:00.001-07:00

well, yesterday was the beginning of something....hopefully the beginning of something beautiful...we had our first gathering yesterday morning...complete w/ donuts, bubbles, & families i didn't expect to see.

it was simple. i liked that. i do pray for more people, i pray for someone with more musical gifting than i...but i was thankful for the simplicity. we spoke about resurrection (thanks Capozzi), spoke about how resurrection is the reason for our existence, and the reason for our doing anything. then, after communion, and after the benediction...something happened...everyone hung around for about 20 more minutes...just to chat...even with the knowledge that we'd all be together for the cook-out in the evening. That brought me joy!

here's to many more times of worship, of gathering together and time spent with family.

divine conspiracy

2009-08-10T14:29:00.001-07:00

Dallas Willard's commentary on childlikeness in Divine Conspiracy...

"What this really means is that they do not use their face and body to hide their spiritual reality. In their body they are genuinely present to those around them."

thoughts, comments??

mission

2009-08-08T10:54:00.000-07:00

i'm at work....taking a re-charge break. i'm not recharging, the cart that hauls the dumpsters i empty is recharging, it can handle about 2 hrs of pulling these things around 82 acres, and then its just done.i love this job...some days its rather monotonous....but being able to interact with people who i'm so desperately trying to learn to love well is a joy. at some point, this job became mission. it wasn't work anymore, its become serving, its become loving...its mission. allow me to explain...yesterday i got stopped for the third time this week by Dominic. I got to know him in the last yr by volunteering at Rosa Parks and having a cool big dog. Dominic loves that Chance will sit when he tells him to. Dominic lives with his mom, brother, and i think his grandma. his pops isnt around, i believe he said he's in prison. Dominic sees me, waves, tells me what he's done so far that day, yesterday he showed me the CD that had his own beats on it, and then tells me he's gonna buy one of these golf carts that i drive when he gets old enough and has the money. sometimes he even asks why i would want to pick up everyone's trash (trust me pickin up diapers, beer cans, and 2,000 cigs is not my dream job). i tell him its cause i love this neighborhood and the people in it and its my way to show that. then he shrugs and says ok, see ya tomorrow and off he rides on his bike.the fact that he says see ya tomorrow brings me joy, he trusts i am going to be there, he trusts that i'll be back to continue to serve and love him and his neighborhood...thats why i am doing what im doing...its not a job, its mission......Lord, hear our prayer

hope and prayer

2009-08-05T15:38:00.001-07:00

so...in about 10 days we'll have our first sunday gathering. i've got all kinds of crazy emotions right now... i'm nervous, excited, just about everything. i'm sitting outside the building where we are going to meet, waiting for the woman i'm to get the key from, and i'm thinking....wondering what exactly our first gathering is going to look like? wondering who's going to come? (we've connected with a lot of people who are unpredictable) wondering if/how i'm going to be the one to lead worship? wondering if our belief that it is the relationships that will attract not the dog and pony show is going to be true? wondering, wondering, wondering....

...which leads to praying, praying, praying. i dont pray enough. that is a confession. i try to pray throughout the day and am pretty successful there,but being able to sit down and just pray, just wait on God...that doesnt happen nearly often enough...

...but when you hope for something beautiful, prayer seems to come a bit easier, so, do me a favor, hope with us, hope with our community, and lets all pray for an outpouring of the Holy Spirit in NoPo

interior castle

2009-08-01T11:03:00.001-07:00

so my dad and have started this thing, started about a year ago...we pick a book, read it, then chat about it. first, my dad is smart, brother is well-read. i'm the one who went to seminary, yet there are times when we chat, i'm convinced he knows much more than i...

anyway, our first book was Torture and Eucharist, great book about power, gov't and the upside-downness of the Gospel. second was Surprised By Hope, another good book, this one challenging the typical understandings of heaven and life-after-death. The book we are on now is Interior Castle by Teresa of Avila. I just started it, finished the first 30-40 pages and already am feeling humbled by this woman's deep desire to encounter and know the living God. If any of you have read it, feel free to share your thoughts. If you haven't, and reading a 16th century mystic doesnt freak ya out....you should pick it up...

...those other ones too...

daddy

2009-07-29T07:47:00.001-07:00

so....we've started re-arranging the house in preperation for the adoption....don't get too excited, its still about 2 or 3 months away....but we've started none-the-less. its crazy to think that we are this close, its crazy to be thinking about how we are going to make sure their room is cool enough on days like today (callin for 107), or how can we make sure this table doesn't become death by corners, or what kind of things will they like...

its no secret i want a boy :)....dont get me wrong, girls are wonderful, but the thought of havin a son is just exciting to me, i keep wondering if we get a son, will he like football? will he like basketball? hockey? sports? will he think im a dork :) mandy's pretty convinced all our kids will....at least once they get past the 'i love daddy's crazy voices' stage. i'm excited.

it has amazed me how God has prepared us for all this, prepared us for adoption, prepared us for people thinking we're idiots, prepared us for the unknown., i'm excited, and oh so thankful

that water

2009-07-27T21:56:00.001-07:00

So i went and saw a buddy share some poetry last week at a poetry night and i got all inspired, so anyway, here's something i wrote today....still adding things...

Its hot! 100 degrees, please tell me its not
Children scream for ice cream as the ice cream man rolls by in his ice cream van so i scream Man, give me a pop-
sickle, this weather is fickle, they say its global warming but is it a global warning that early tomorrow morning our mourning for our ourselves is misplaced as we seek out air conditioning, but are we listening to the cries of the men, women, & children wishing to be heard not treated like the herd pushed from one district to the next, man this is messed-
up as we drink starbucks, they'd lick the outside of the cup just for some water and we complain cause its hotter while we watch a man ignore his daughter and son we gripe about the sun, when the Son is the one who promises living water for our sons and daughters
how did we miss this? just some hugs and kisses to say it'll be ok, cause we know there is a day coming when our mourning will become rejoicing and our crying will become dancing but we will come to the understanding that its about helping another man sing or are we doomed to repeat the flaws of our fathers and just go complaining cause its hotter. Lord please gimme that water

mobile blogging app

2009-07-25T08:50:00.001-07:00

so, this new app i have for mobile blogging, bein a bit difficult, lets see if i have it figured out yet....sorry not a worthwhile post...

...great quote...

2009-06-30T07:30:00.000-07:00

found this quote by a Nazarene regional director in Africa who appears to possibly be one of our next General Superintendents in the church...loved this quote, i pray that it become more true of my life, as well as the life of our community...i'll have an update on the state of our community later this week...

In America you have clocks but in Africa we have time. In Africa, we make time to be with people and they become part of us in ways they were not before. - Dr. Eugenio Duarte

GRRRR

2009-06-27T07:43:00.000-07:00

so lately, i've been angry. you know that righteous indignation thing, when Jesus flipped all the tables, and church people like to use that as a an ok to be angry...well, this angry, it's not that. not even close...its the kind of angry that if jesus were to come back while i'm in the midst of it, "he just might leave me behind" angry. its that angry that paul warns about in ephesians, tellin people to watch out cause it might give the devil a foothold...its that kind of angry that becomes so consuming that even if i can move beyond it for a second, an hour, even a day...the slightest thing can bring it back to reality and i just wanna break stuff, scream, grunt and start head-butting anything that moves...not you Chance, i promise...it was the kind of anger that if i had been exposed to some radioactive chemicals some big green guy would've emerged from the chasms of my soul...'nick mad. nick not like be mad'...

it's amazing how quickly a little anger can reach a level of near-hatred...yesterday i found myself on my knees, tears pouring, begging God to redeem this anger, to eliminate it...i pleaded for any ounce of hatred that existed in my bones to be purified, cast out, and obliterated...and for the next few hours my emotions would fluctuate between 'im ok' and 'ima break you'...

i do believe God is saving me from it, here's what gives me hope. i'm a stress-eater. if i'm upset, frustrated, angry...i want food, not like celery and carrots...i buy little debbie snacks, i go buy a cheeseburger, a fried chicken sandwich, chocolate...anything that could clog my arteries by send my taste buds dancing and consume my thoughts for a little bit...that's why i look like i do...

...but here's where the hope comes in. yesterday, prior to the tears, all i could think about was a Double Burger and Tater Tots from Mock Crest Tavern...but i got on my knees and poured myself to God and went home instead...i praise God for the strength to come to God and not turn to food...

anyway, just felt it was important for me to confess to friends...my name is nick, and God is redeeming me from anger-hate...

recent adventures

2009-05-18T16:37:00.000-07:00

man, its been a crazy last few days....yesterday was an amazing day, filled with all kinds of good things...

...i co-led a clean up day down the street at the city housing complex, 40 people were there to help keep it beautiful...so much trash picked up! it gave Mandy, Celina, Julia, Jonas, and I an opportunity to begin to build new relationships with our neighbors and residents of New Columbia...

...last night we had Jonas and Julia over for a lil bbq and to talk about our dream and hopes for the church...they were so excited about what could be! and they are ready and willing to do what they can to see it happen :)

...today i volunteered at the school and met a new student, a young 3rd grade girl who is classified as a behavior-problem, how terrible that children are given a classification that automatically gives someone an impression when they have never met the child...it didn't take long for me to surmise that she is deeply hurt in someway...so sweet, and so angry...

(*update* Mandy and i took Chance on a walk tonight and this young lady was playin basketball and said HI MR MUCCI...she then came over and met Mandy, who's response was...she is sooo sweet and polite! *update*)

...then i was at the park doin a lil readin and reflectin when 3 of the 3rd graders came up and we talked, they danced to the music i was listening to and when one of them did the michael jackson crotch-grab a debate ensued that could only be captured in a verbatim dialogue...

kid 1: that's michael jackson right there...

kid 2: is michael jackson a boy or girl?

kid 3: yeah, is michael jackson a boy or girl?

kid 1: he's both a boy and a girl...

and back to dancing they went...apparently that answer made absolute perfect sense to them...somehow...

thank you Lord for the gift of your presence, may my presence be a gift of Your presence for another...Lord, hear our prayer...

cross-culture hope...

2009-05-13T16:13:00.000-07:00

this is just something i started writin after readin one of my fav passages in scripture; luke 4.18-19 and following...mandy and i have sort of taken the 18-19vs to be a sort of call/mission giving/hope giving nature of it...anyway, here's some rambling thoughts...

"...the eyes of all were fixed on him..." (4.20)

there was an expectation that had slowly built up in the room...and expectation that what He'd say next would ignite them...causing such a fervor and excitement that they wouldn't be able to contain it...and as he began speaking, their thoughts continued...

"...all were speaking well of him and wondering at the gracious words which were falling from his lips..."(4.22)

could it be?! is this true...yes, this is what we've been waiting for, desiring for so long...we are finally going to see this hope realized...but how is the son of a carpenter going to get Israel back on top...

then Jesus goes and messes it all up...all they were going to ask for was a little display of power that would show them that Israel, God's favorite, was going to return to the top...and Jesus knowing what there were wanting...says no, i'm not gonna do it, and here's two previous miracles you all know so well to chew on...

"...and all the people were filled with rage.."

what the heck just happened?! these two miracles that happened forever ago are what cause this commotion...why? did they have some kind of problem with a widow getting her grub on or a leper gettin some fresh skin?

allow me to make a comparison that could result in my gettin my rear handed back to me in a nice little package...let's say a governor declares that some of the stimulus money our gov't is handin out like candy would be spent on the education and health care for individuals who were in the state illegally...imagine the upheavel that would follow! why is my tax money being spent to care for and help those who aren't even supposed to be here?! Imagine the picketing and protest marches on the capital building...They don't deserve to benefit from our system!!

when Jesus mentions the widow from Sidon and the Syrian leper, he is trying to show those loyal Jews that their 'system', their hope...God's promise was not limited to their own self-benefit...but the Gospel message, the year of the Lord's favor was going to be good news even for those wretched occupying Romans if they so choose to live under Christ's Lordship...this passage was not a passage of hope for Israeli supremacy, Jesus was saying, but a passage of hope for the inclusivity of God's kingdom...

...this is why we desire a community that exists not for our own sake...

...this is why we desire a community that exists to share this message of hope for any we have the privilege of meeting...

...this is why we desire a community that is not dominated by any one culture other than the Kingdom's culture...

...Lord, hear our prayer...

Mother Theresa Quote

2009-05-07T11:47:00.001-07:00

Mama T - None of us, including me, can do great things. But we can all do small things, w/ great love, & together we can do something wonderful.

shambah bumblah...

2009-05-05T16:35:00.000-07:00

been a few weeks since i last wrote words for people to read, all with the assumption people want to read what i write...i say that because now, everytime i get on here, or change my status on facebook i think of the new Sprint commercial where they list the number of people doing different things...

...one of those things is the number of people who just updated their twitter and they have all the birds chirping 'me, me, me, me'(35 seconds)...a nice quick social commentary that i got the drift on...of course, i think blogging, since its not an everyday thing for me anyway, is different then opening my mobile facebook on my phone just so i can type about how Evgeni Malkin is frustrating me at his timidness (third paragraph...i clicked here for the image, and the paragraph fit) and how Alexander Ovechkin's bad helmet club face (i miss ya dad) keeps appearing on my screen...

anyway, wanted to share a few things, this whole new start process is tough...we never know who's going to come to whatever we do, we never know who is going to follow through on meeting us for dinner, coffee, movie, or a non-alcoholic beer at a bar...well, i drink the NAs...its forever frustrating, i met with another guy who is going through the same process here and is experiencing the same frustrations. both of us desperately are praying for me workers, we are praying for people who love God and desire to love people, Lord, hear our prayer...

...well, we've started having BBQs on Sundays and invite our entire phonebook/facebook/email contacts who live close, we've actually had a really good turnout, and have begun to see things take shape we desire to see happen. we really desire to have those we've connected with, begin to connect with each other, we desire to see community be built...and daggone its happening, albeit at what feels like a snails pace, but its happening. we are looking for get our garage finished so that we can have a larger meeting space for those wonderfully wet Portland nights...

...i believe God is faithful, i believe i need to be more faithful...i've begun to ask myself if my ability to see God's faithfulness is directly related to my ability to be faithful, these BBQs continue to be a product of prayer and pro-activeness, while some of our other things; that we desire but haven't earnestly, that i havent earnestly, EARNESTLY prayed for haven't come to fruition...

anyway, a whole lot of ranting about this, that and a whole lot of nothing :). check out my facebook photo section for pics of the BBQs...hopefully we'll continue to remember to take the pictures...

...may Your Kingdom come...